The Captain and Chi Chi Chamois: The Beginning
74
Peg Leg Paradise
(NOTE: This springs from a character created by Pam Roberson. For links to relative hubs, see bottom. Specifically, see Chi Chi's bottom.)
The Captain made his way down the torch-lit streets of Port Royal, Jamaica. Born Lance Emgood, he had grown up in Hispaniola with his Corsair Father and floosie mother, and at the young age of 16, had taken a neighbors schooner out for a joy ride and never returned. Now, a Buccaneer of International fame, the Captain sailed the Spanish Main in the Caribbean, robbing, pillaging, pirating, plank walking, saving damsels, humping, letting damsels go, catching them again, humping, and eating Tahiti breadfruit filched off a sissy British ship named the Bounty.
The westerly wind blew his long hair into a frenzy, his long, purposeful strides through the muddy streets revealing his powerful legs as his knee-high Buccaneer Boots slogged through the muck. His cape fluttered behind him like a loose sail. Port Royal was a pirate town, and it was full of cut-throats, murderers, liars, con-men, cheats, scalawags, Ali Baba and at least 40 thieves. Everyone had a peg leg it seemed. Peg legs were all the rage, and Pirates would often chew their own legs off to fit themselves with the newest Gucci leather peg leg studded with Swarovski crystals, or those Russian Fabergé egg-shaped jobbies that opened up in a series of eggs of diminishing size, revealing one smaller leg after another, or those solid, polished wood pegs by that new fellow, Stradivarius, whose legs made such a perfect tone when walking on a stone walkway that it sounded like the staccato notes of a violin, and 5 pirates with the legs made a quartet.
The Mermaid's Wet Dream
He had finished rounding up his mateys
from the 3-day port of call and bade them return to his ship, the
Mermaid's Wet Dream, to prepare for tomorrows early departure.
It was now, and only now, with the crew safely in place, that the
Captain gave himself a little rest and relaxation. He headed brusquely into the
cacophonous Pillaging Pirate to sate his thirst and desires.
The place went silent as every head turned to see the famous Captain
enter, his imposing frame filling the entryway. The floor was thick
with parrot dung, at least half of the patrons sporting them on their
shoulders. Parrots were the accoutrement of the season, and if you
couldn't get a real one a dead one would do. The live ones were
always trying to get away, so they tied them down with a strip of
rubber-tree bark, the result of which was a room full of the flapping
wings of parrots going nowhere. The story of the life of a pirate.
The Captain's eyes moved rapidly across the crowd studying the inhabitants. He spied Edward Teach in the corner. He'd avoid Blackbeard if possible. They had been none to friendly since the Captain had won Anne Bonney, the rare female pirate, in a game of mumbletypeg. He was a dangerous character with candles tied in his beard to put the fear of death in his enemies. Pushing the drunks out of the way, the Captain arrived at the bar. “What'll ya have, Mr. Captain” asked the bartender. Having already picked out three luscious wenches, the Captain pointed at them in quick succession as he said, “Ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum.”
The Dance
He heard from the stage the Pirate of Ceremonies say, “Ahoy, ye Blackguards, the moment ye all been waitin' for.....Miss Chi Chi Chamois!” There was an uproar from the crowd and the Captain turned to see what the fuss was all about. He and Chi Chi's eyes met...and froze, a visible twinkle from both that bound them together like the rusty chains in the jail room of The Mermaids Wet Dream. Chi Chi's mouth dropped open and the Captain breathed in the stench of foul air so deeply the buttons popped off his chest. His heart pounded and he could have sworn that it could be heard all the way back in the Barbary Coast. Chi Chi too reacted, squirming a little and reaching down to adjust...whatever she was wearing down there, which was probably nothing so just what the hell she was adjusting was beyond him. She tugged at her bodice until her heaving breasts practically sprang free from their cloth prison, heaving, heaving, and still more heaving. My, that was a lot of heaving. The Captain's mouth went dry, Chi Chi's naughty bits did not. It was lust at first sight.
Chi Chi began her Dance of the Seven
Chamois Leathers, moving her exaggerated, womanly figure – thanks
to a two-bit surgeon in Mexico – in seductive ways, running her
calloused hands all over her luscious, hairy figure. “Hmmm,
French,” thought the Captain. Clearly she was affected by
unbridled lust, confused and moving around as though intoxicated with
the promise of passion and sex. Then the empty fifth fell out of
her Miracle Bra cleavage and the Captain knew she was
intoxicated, but on Mad Dog and not lust. The Captain had some
heaving of his own...in his pants. Chi Chi
was the next “port of call.” Tonight and forever.
As the dance ended, the toothless, smelly crowd erupted, rushing the stage to get to Chi Chi. They were beaten back by the Buccaneer bouncers. The Captain knew he must have her. He turned to the bar, flipped the barman a couple of Spanish doubloons and, completely forgetting about the Ho, Ho, Hoes, downed the bottle of rum and turned to go after Chi Chi. Blocking his way was the impertinent, fearsome Blackbeard with his Seven grizzled goons behind him, each with a long sword in their hand. Blackbeard had the candles in his beard lit. He was a ferocious sight, sure to fill a lesser man's heart with dread, but not the Captain's, for his heart was made of sinew and gristle. He looked Edward Teach up and down with disgust.
Two Swords are Better Than One
“Hi, Blackie,” the Captain said with a snarl, “What? It's my birthday? I should blow out the candles?” And he filled his lungs deeply, his powerful chest rippling under his puffy sleeved pirate shirt, and blew.” The candles went out instantaneously. Blackbeard was furious.
“Listen, el Cap-i-tan! I seen ya looking at Chi Chi Chamois. Chi Chi's mine, you har me, ya despicable rogue! I could see what yer thinkin...oh, the nasty thoughts, rippin her bodice off and wavin it in the wind like the Jolly Roger, lifting her skirt to get her hidden treasure!”
“Not that hidden, Blackie,” the Captain retorted, “During the dance I saw right up her skirt. She showed it to me special. She likes me better 'n you.” And then the Captain started singing, “Chi Chi likes me bet-ter. Chi Chi like me bet-ter.”
“Shut yer face, Cap-i-tan!”
“Call me that one more time and I'll bust a cap-i-tan in your ass!”
“I've had me fill of ya,” Blackbeard spat, “Get 'em, Mates!
The seven toothless bastards moved toward the Captain with their long swords drawn. Before they knew what was happening the Captain whipped out his saber and stabbed the first man through the gizzard, then leapt onto the bar extracting his cutlass as well, for he was ambidextrous in both love and war. A massive sword fight ensued. The Captain leapt over blades, parried and thrust home, over and over, and he heard far, far away the voice of Chi Chi, crying, “Zave me, Capteen! Blackbutt he take zee Chi Chi! Oh, Capteen, save Chi Chi! Zees Blackbutt smell stinky poo!”
Still, the sword fight continued, the Captain deflecting, swinging, stabbing, until the 7 bastards lay dead, resting in their own congealing pools of blood. The Captain stood over the corpses catching his breath, the sweat on his brow and chest soaking through his shirt as his right bicep protruded through the slash, bleeding heavily. He knew what he must do. He must save Chi Chi! And with that the empty bottle of rum slammed and shattered over his head, sending him crashing to the parrot-dung covered floor.
Standing over the Captain was one of the Ho, Ho, Hoes, looking satisfied and smug. “You promised me, Captain. Nobody dumps me and gets away with it...that costs extra.”
The Lost Lamb
Through the alleys and streets of Port Royal, Blackbeard drug Chi Chi through the muddy streets on his way to the harbor and his sloop, The Queen Anne's Revenge. Oh, he would have his way with the womanly Chi Chi, as soon as he gave her a shave. In his rush and excitement, he momentarily got turned around. Chi Chi, being all too familiar with “working down at the docks,” said, “No, no...take zee left heer down to zee Applebee's, then hang zee right and that take you to zee docks.”
What would happen? Would Blackbeard sail away with Chi Chi as his love slave? Would the Capitan regain consciousness in time to save her? Would he pursue Blackbeard to the very end of the flat earth? Would Blackbeard and Chi Chi stop at Applebee's for some beer and riblets? Would the Capitan fulfill his destiny with the Ho, Ho, Hoes? After all, they were already paid for. Would the inspector shut down the Pillaging Pirate on account of parrot droppings?
These questions and more will be answered! Tune in next time for...The Captain and Chi Chi Chamois!
To be continued.....
Who is Chi Chi Chamois?
Chi Chi has written her version of this same story. It's He said/She said. See it here: Chi Chi, the Captain, and Blackbeard: Her Version.
To learn more about Chi Chi Chamois and her cast of supporting players please visit Chi Chi Chamois and the Dance of the Seven Chamois Leathers. It's by your and my close friend!!!?????
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CommentsLoading...
ROTFL! Welcome to Hubpages! Forgive me for asking, but what were you smoking when you wrote this...and where can I get some? ;D
And ditto to what Cris A said. (Cris, how do you always get to a hub first?????)
This was cool...I give it two grins up! Thanks! :)
And then what happened....
This smacks of Christophe Reilly! It is obviously a well known hubber seeing as Chi Chi is the love interest! The Captain could of course be Johnny Depp!
Nevertheless great hub. i await part 2 with interest.
Maybe Chris gets there first 'cause he wrote the hub!
I just added another red herring to the tale of the high seas.
Ah, Chi Chi Chamois has certainly moved up in the world since her furtive fumblings with Shadesbreath and B.T. Evilpants.
I don't think that the Captain is a newcomer to Hubpages either. Such style and excellence leaves footprints - And I think I can guess whose feet are contained in the impressive leggins of the Captain.
Bravo. a great hub. I only hope that Chi chi is up to the challenge.
Encore! Encore! Bravo, Pieces of 8. AAAaaaaarrrrrggggGGGHHHH!
I'd like to buy the next round for The Captain and Chi Chi Chamois, but only if I can be personally escorted by the Bucaneer bouncers (LOL). It's the perfect night for a lusty, busty tale told lustily and bustily. Two peglegs up!
Mr. A. Fabio? Used book stores? Ebay? Are you challenging me to a duel? Thank you for speaking here. I will try to write another because you asked.
Dear Ms. Genee. Your sweet breath fills my sails and moves me across the face of the earth. I am smoking dried banana leaves, aquired by dubious means in Cuba. I will share with you. My muscular arms are bulging using this keyboard, which is second in bulging when compared...but wait. I hardly know you. I beg your pardon, lady. The pleasure has been all mine.
Tom Cornett. It is you, sir, who is "cool." Thank you for your entry here.
Dear Miss Behavior. And you shall have it.
Mr. Eric Graudins: Thank you, sir. Spoken like a true gentleman and a scholar. I know not this Shadesbreath or B.T. Evilpants, but I will sally forth to become familiar with their ships logs. I can assure you, Ms. Chi Chi is up to whatever challenge that faces her, but you are at a disadvantage as I know the whole story which has not yet been told.
Thanks you for the peices of 8 and the bravo. I am in your debt, sir.
Ms. Mighty Mom: Your wit charms and soothes me. I too am fond of busty and lusty and it's many forms. I can fix you up with the Buccaneer bouncers, no problem. They have this game they play where they...well, you'll find out. Thank you.
Mr. Sixty: You have guessed it, sir. It is I, Johnny Depp. I do agree that Cris is suspicious, getting here first, like he was tipped off. We must watch him closely. Thank you for your input on the mystery, though I have now admitted my true identity. Thank you.
Captain I look forward to your ship's logs and tales of intrigue, romance and lust in the taverns and on the high seas!
OMG! Swoons and pantaloons and heaving and thieving. Buckle my swashes and batten my hatches, I wanna read more!
ROFLMAO!
Chi Chi enters the Captain's hub slowly, deliberately and is suddenly flooded by foggy yet passionate memories of being drug by the hair through the muddy streets of Port Royal. Her body trembling with lust and longing or quite possibly DT's while the Captain's powerful chest strained against the fabric of his turqouise pirate shirt.
Memories of his battle after her dance flooded through her brain then pulsated through her veins and arteries and heart like hot lava from a spewing volcano. Once again, in her little mind, she saw the Captain whipping out his saber and thrusting home stabs to the gizzard among other things. His nimbleness astounded her as she clutched her heaving bosom and found a bottle of Mad Dog which she ineffectively heaved at the head of Blackbeard. All the while she was cheering for the Captain, her Captain even though she had only just met him....
"Go Copteen go! Stab hem in ze gizzaird zen take me tew ze wet dream sheep!"
Chi Chi suddenly stops thinking and decides her memories and feelings are better expressed in a hub rather than a comment, although this comment is already very hub-like. Before she leaves, she can't help but say one last thing...
"Ze Blackbutt was boot ze booty call my love!"
@ Chi Chi was it not "Oh Captain my Captain". Was it perhaps Captain Morgan (and too little coke)!
Oooh la la , i followed the scent of the reticent chi-chi and it led me here!
bonjour Chi-Chi :D
sixtyorsomething: Thank you for your anticipation. I shall try not to engage in procrastination on my destination.
Silver Freak: Thank you for the comment. I took a brief look at your profile page. I must say, you have some interesting titles. I'll make it a point to read some of your stuff...they look interesting. Us new guys have to stick together!
Chi Chi! Oh, Chi Chi! I had the worst dream, with my chest pulsing through my lavender, puffy-sleeved pirate shirt, and your heaving, heaving, heaving bosoms, but the nasty Blackbeard would not let me get to you, Chi Chi. I dreamt of the garter around your stockinged leg, and those sexy knee-high leather boots, no no, the other boots, yes, those with the sharp heels digging into my back! And then there were men, Chi Chi, men who tried to stop me from taking you into my muscled, rippled harms and pulling you so tight the sinews in my neck would rip the collar of my lavendar puffy-sleeved lavender pirate shirt as my long hair blew behind me from the stiff breeze - where was that breeze coming from Chi Chi? - but I wouldn't let them stop me, Chi Chi! No! I stabbed them through their fish-filled gizzards and then....what's this? Parrot dung? I am on the floor of...oh no, Chi Chi! It wasn't a dream! I will find you Chi Chi. And then I will introduce myself since we are strangers. I AM COMING CHI CHI!
Mr. Cris A: Yes! The smell of Chi Chi is....followable! But be forewarned. Do not follow too closely. I am armed, sir. In fact, I am muscularly, biceps ripping through the fabric of my puffy-sleeved pirate shirt armed!
Mr. sixtyorsomething: Captain Morgan? I hate him. He is not even a captain! In fact, he is a cartoon captain! But the rum ain't bad.
Oh how the Captain's talk sends Chi Chi's heart into a flutter (or maybe she's having one of those DT induced heart fibrillation thingies from not having a drink for 15 minutes). He's armed alright, and she's sweating with anticipation of seeing his saber in all its glory. She's never seen a mortal man handle a saber with such agility and the thrusting skill with which he thrusts is almost too much for her to continue thinking about. So she thinks about his turq...lavender shirt clinging tightly to his body as he walks (or runs) into the forceful wind with his hair trailing behind glistening with salt water and smelling of rum.
She looks around and sees that he is gone. "Ah monsewer, I weel find you, boot I moost first find my feesh net stockings." She hopes there are no fish in them this time.
(The Captain enters the hub with great bravado) Chi Chi? Chi Chi! Come to the Captain! (His chiseled face becomes filled with tension and his square jaw tightens. He realizes he has to go potty.) I will find you Chi Chi! I will search every body of water on this cruel earth! Starting with your bathtub...since I'm going there anyway. Wait for me, Chi Chi!
Well, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I know a familiar writing voice when I hear one! But I shall hold my tongue for now, Cap'n. Welcome aboard ye scurvy dog!
Has anyone ever told you that you looked like Errol Flynn? Can you post a link to heretherebepeglegs.com? I have me leg chewed halfway off, but didn't think to order the peg in advance!
I love pirates! And this hub was great! I enjoyed your interesting HUB!!
Captain, I would be honored to be your first mate, or at least some bloke to swab the decks and get some leftover ho's from time to time.
I await with fish-baited breath for the next chapter in this salty saga. I tingle with anticipation. Who will correctly predict which color puffy-sleeved pirate shirt our swarthy Captain will don for this evening's adventure....? Will it be chartreuse? Or perhaps Magenta?
B.T. Evilpants. You recognise the writing voice? Ha, ha, I can assure thee mate that I am NOT Homer, though my pen writes in Homeric fashion. Thank ye for the welcome though. As for scurvey, I am eating breadfruit which wards off the scurvey. Now if I can only find some iodized salt to do something about this goiter.
RMR: Errol Flynn? Most tell me I resemble Basil Rathbone, whoever that is. No need to buy a peg leg, my friend. I, from time to time, come across peg legs of all descriptions that are there for the taking, so to speak. Just tell me what style you seek and I'll acquire a slightly used one for you.
jjrubio: Have you ever thought of becoming a pirate yourself? Since you love pirates, and I know pirates will love you, it seems like a natural evocation. I am always on the look out for qualified mates. Ship mates, that is. Thank you for your interest.
Mr. Goldentoad: Your reputation preceeds you. You are indeed first mate material. I can create a vacancy for you on my ship, no problem.
Mighty Mom: Thank you for your interest in my adventures and my shirt. I have been informed by a certain wench who shall remain nameless that Lavender is not a good color for a studly pirate such as myself. Perhaps you can help me pick out something?
Thank you El Capitan'- Tu sabes you recognize a fellow Pirate when you see one ey? Yeah I'd love to sail the seas with you as the newest Princess Rusla or maybe another Grace O'Malley....Yes I could be a pretty kick a$$ pirate... huh? Thanks for the invite!!!!
Excellent, Ms. Rubio! I'll set the scalywags to cleaning your stateroom immediately and decorating with the appropriate accoutrements. The world is our oyster! Until then, Guera!
@The Captain:
I knew you didn't write like Homer. Nor Bart. Perhaps Lisa?
Anyway, I've survived many ferocious campaigns here on HubPages, can make myself invisible, and can carve anyones initials onto a prime flank of beef with several strokes of an Australian stock whip.
I've studied Karate, Ecky-Thump, and Macrame and will join your crew if my skills are needed, and we can come to a satisfactory - err - arrangement.
(I have expensive tastes in food and drink, and won't put up with the swill that you feed to the rest of the crew.
Eric Graudins: Aye, you'll make a fine mate. I can offer all the doubloons you can carry, diamonds, assorted gems, and gold. As for dining aboard my humble "yacht", we serve lobster, crab, oysters, grilled sea bass, broiled salmon steak, shark, and the occasional lamb. Thanks to our frequent "borrowing" from Merchant ships, your beverage choices include French wines, English Ales, Jamaican Rums, South American coffees, Oriental and English teas, and nearly potable drinking water.
Sorry cap'n crunch, but I don't think Homer was who I was thinking of. It may have been Harold and his purple crayon, but I definitely know this writing style! I'll keep my mouth shut, for a place on your boat, though (yeah, I know it's not called a boat). Being a direct decendent of the Evilpantaloons clan, I come from a long line of legendary seafaring jackalopes.
Ah yes, my furry friend. Did I mention the limitless supply of butter tarts?
Ah, the crew is shaping up nicely. Goldentoad and Eric Graudins are both fine specimens of matehood! JJ Rubio adds a lovely dimension as mistress ,,,or perhaps first wench of the winch? To even things out (male/female ratio=wise), I'd like to offer my services as official fashionista to the Captain. I can offer other talents as circumstances require.
Yer hired! Young fella name of Pepe told me if you were goin, he were goin.
OK captain - sounds great. I've put my X in the log.
I've got to warn you though, about a couple of troublemakers who may try to sign onto the crew.
There's a dark one, and a fair one. The dark one will be of great use in tending to any wounded crew. But the fair one be trouble! Best that her duties consist of being lashed to the bowsprit as a figurehead.
(Sorry to be so cryptic, but most of you will know of whom I speak. ) Perhaps we can sneak out of port afore they find this hub.
Eric G
(And I've just noticed that I have over 500 fans. That'll cost you an extra bag of gold) AAaaarrrgghhhh!
I followed Eric here. You are some strange guy! Very funny! I'm sure I could be part of your band of pirates. I'm pretty good at recuiting people! Good Job! When's the next installment?
Ah welcome Christoph.
I've just signed on, and I'll put in a good word for you with the Captain. I think he may know of you already though, and he likes the cut of yer jib.
Mr. Graudins: A dark one and a fair one. Let's see. Well, being new here, I haven't a clue. Maybe someone who knows will fill me in. I like the idea of a maidenhead though. I hope she's a mermaid. I'll keep my eyes peeled for these scalywags, to be sure.
Mr. Reilly: Thanks for sailing along. I can always use a good recruitment officer. You may board. And thanks for writing in the ships log.
Mr. Graudins: I'm a little too unfamiliar with the Reilly gentleman to be checking out "the cut of his jib." Maybe after the third cruise!
I believe I'm familiar with the lovely lasses of whom Mr. Graudins speaks. They are Rose Red and Snow White -- a pair of sisters as close as they are alluring. Legend has it that Rose Red is the more rambunctious of the two devoted sisters, associated with the summer, as Snow White is associated with the winter and has as many personalities as a snowflake.
To find these fair ladies, follow this clue:
A is to E as B is to P,
a healer and a wordsmith
should be easy to see!
Captain,
Someone's carrying a huge mattress up the gangplank.
Wait a minute - there's a person tied to it.
It's a woman, and somehow I can tell that she's not a nun. She says that she keeps a mattress tied to her back in case she runs into someone she knows.
(And she also has those rubber knee protector thingies strapped to her elbows. Says that it keeps her from slipping on the cobblestones when it's wet.)
Her name is Cha-Cha or something, and she wants to see you.
Mighty Mom: Thank you for your clues, but again, I am new here and haven't met many people. I shall how ever be on the lookout for A's and E's and B's and P's. That is another job you can perform on the ship: translator and prognosticator.
Mr. G: Is it Blackbeard taking my dear, sweet Chi Chi aboard his cursed rat-trap, Queen Anne's Revenge? You wouldn't happen to have had a vision of where they were going, would you? There is no land too far! No weather too foul! No sea serpents too fierce to keep me from my Chi Chi!
I know of whom you speak. Winter will indeed make a fine maidenhead.
Aye, Christoph. And Summer will keep the entire crew hale and heartily laughing!
Aye, aye! If you say so, prognosticater to the Captain!
Mark my words, oh Captain mine! I daresay you'll find one of the fair sisters even as we speak ministering to a distressed hubber over in the Forums. More than that I dare not reveal until daylight.
And with that, I must turn my crystal ball to energy saving mode for the night. Good-night, all. Off to research my accoutrements in the Beddy-Bye Research Lab. zzzzzz.
Thats a clue I can follow!
Captain I will happily sign on as cook and nvigator because of my vast cruise experience. I will also look after A(er E) and the fair one!
We will jointly plot our course (gastrononmique and geographic!).
Sixty: I can always use a navigator with experience. Somebody needs to mind the wheel when I am interrogating the fair one in the Captains quarters!
Excellent!! I can't wait to read more!
Ahhhh, Ms. Bowman. No pirate ship would be complete without a fiery woman with crimson hair! Thank you for gracing my humble ship with your illuminating presence. Is that kiss in your avatar for me?
Ahoy there CR captain ye are of the rough seas. Take me as your prisoner upon your ship so grand with sails so high and rough. Bound me with rope and chain to ye mighty mast. Oh alas and alack I am in need of such adventures.
Hello, Blondepoet. I haven't seen the Captain. I'm sure he'd like to talk to you, at the very least.
Ah, but can The Captain handle the firey temper that goes along with the hair? I imagine that you can. Though, it seems as if I might have some competition from a certain blonde friend of mine! It looks like you might have your hands full on the ship. Better hire someone to keep everyone in line.
Anybody seen Pest lately? Odd that he hasn't dropped by to comment, since the rest of the gang is here. Hmmmmm.....
Haha Anna now would ye be referring to wee me by any chance. Draw ye sword for as we battle to the end. Just call me Blonde Mc Graw....
Hi JamaGenee Pest has had net problems he said he will be back tomorrow yahooo.
Oh Christoph if you see him tell him to hurry as ye wee wenches battle for his attentions LMAO
Aah Captain the blonde one reveals herself and I can ably take care of the lashing to mast if required. Only the other half of the duo needs to surface and the party is (almost) complete. As part of my navigation duties I feel we need to sail to Guernsey to capture another red head with the Misty eyes!
Haha Eric I know of who you speak and mighty mom is indeed on the mark. AEvans I am calling you through the intercom,come immediately to the deck,jajajajajaja.
Captain be careful of the man named Eric I accidentally waxed myself to him and had to walk around with him like a Siamese twin. He looted St.James wallet oh aye indeed. He also shot my pink bulldozer down with his hidden army tank, oh be careful captain,be careful.....hurry and whisk me away while I still stand
Sixtyorso we entrust ourselves to your most humblest of care
It's a duel you want, BP? I think that can be arranged. I look forward to facing an opponent as worthy as you!
Yes I have a big long sword I bought from the Pawn shop it cost me a whole $AU2.50. I too indeed, am looking forward to facing such a notable, honourable opponent as yourself. I am awaiting an AE,who may try to stop us......we can fight or walk the plank together then swim back to the boat to get this off our chests, the final word is all yours, you red-headed buxom breasted woman.
Okay, Cap'n, while those two are playing with their big knives, lets you and me sneak off to...
Captain do need protection. Shall I bring it?
Protection? Did they use condoms in those days?
Fun read , aaaahhhhh that is right Chi-Chi did not have a razor in those days, so she sure would be hairyyy....LOLOLOL:)
Anna: Can the Captain handle a fiery redhead? Hah, I say! I can handle her mornin', noon, and night. Oh, there will be lots of handling!
Blondepoet: Now, now, no fighting among the crew! It's all for one and one for all aboard me ship! On the other hand...CATFIGHT!
Aye, Sixty. I'm with you on the Guernsey girl! As for lashing BP to the bowsprit, the only lashing BP will endure will be delivered in my private quarters! Yummmm...er, I mean Arrrrrggghh.
Consider yerself whisked BP. Whisked, incorporated, creamed, fluffed and eaten.
Anna and BP: Well, get on with it then....we're waitin'!
Silver Freak: Sneak off? And miss the Catfight? It'll have to wait.
Sixty: Not I. I don't wear a raincoat in the shower!
Cindyvine: Some swabs use sheep intestines, but fer meself, I don't condone condoms! But everybody else should wear condoms always (this message brought to you by the CID and the hub ad council.)
AAAARRrrrrrrraaaaaaevans! I've been told by the mystics yer supposed to be on my crew. All aboard!
I'm getting myself a chair and some popcorn - and maybe a bottle or rum - yo ho ho - to watch the drama on the high seas unfold!!
Oh no, missy! You're needed on the crew. Sure, you kin be me personal diarist, for me posterity!
Your posterity I leave to Chi Chi's tender ministrations oh Cap'n :D
Now me, I'm sitting back and mean to be entertained!!
Well....perhaps you could at least take notes, Shalini. We could all get rich from the Captains exploits. Say, I notice I haven't been asked to be on the crew. Whats up with that?
LOL! Ho-ho-ho...and a bottle of rum :)
I nearly squealed laughing so hard. I want to play!!!!!
Hi there Christoph - what on earth is a gentleman like you doing with the likes of these shady seafarers? Pull up a chair and watch the fun - that's safer!
Spryte: You can play, ya young damsel. Grab a sword and jump right in!
I'm with you Shalini. Who needs to engage in all this sword play with a bunch of ruffians. Will you share your popcorn and rum?
*grins widely*
Iz okay if I use the pretty yellow one that came with my martini olives, yessss?En garde! I shall help you to save Chi Chi!
Uhhh...on second thought....
You know Captain....you could do better. I bet with the right promotional manager you could even get a season on The Bachelor...
*hands you my business card*
Spryte - Promotional Manager Extraordinaire
Well, agreed, but you were pretty cute with that yellow sword. OK..where do I sign? The Bachelor? Really? You think?
Ohhh definitely! With your suave manner, ship and all that treasure you have hidden away somewhere on some exotic island marked with an "X"....we could get you all the booty your heart could desire! You don't have to settle for some ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum!
Here...just sign on this line and it's a done deal. Nevermind the small print, a man of your caliber shouldn't concern himself with such piddly details. That's my job.
You never offered me a contract, Spryte. I'm hurt
Now why on earth would you need a contract Christoph? Yer a married man...and happily too! Geesh...
*taps teeth with pen thinking*
Perhaps you could help me a wee bit with the consultin' part of this. We might have to do some of that there metro stuff on the Captain....and who better than you?
/flee
(Blonde appears on the deck dripping wet clutching her $2.50 sword hours later) "Captain Captain wherefore art thou"
flee? Ha, ha. That's starting to sound like a job I'm not interested in. You know you should be wary when you hear "metro stuff" and "The Captain" in the same sentence!
Hello, BP. How are you?
@Christoph.
What's this about you not being offered a job. If you check back up a few screens, the captain appointed you the recruitment officer.
No sitting back and ewatching the show fer you me lad!
Spryte! great to see you out of retirement. This should be a great cruise.
And what can I say about BP, other than I WARNED YOU ALL ABOUT HER. Just make sure that she (and her quarters) are THOROUGHLY searched for wax. I've recently survived a terrible experience of being stuck to her for what seemed like a week. All those who want to thoroughly search BP please form a line on the port side of the ship.
Now it seems that the crew is just about complete. Anyone else who wants to join will need a rowboat and a strong pair of arms to catch us.
I think that the captain is about to set sail after blackbeard after he finishes with the red beards.
AAArrrggghhhh!!!!
Hahaha Eric I did not hear you complain when you were..errr....stuck to my appendages.....did I not hear you say that the view was ....errr....nice......jajajajajajajajaja. Well hello CR howdy to you.
Yes I have nothing to hide..search me if you must (blonde is still clutching her sword and a tuft of red hair in the other hand). "Oh friends,sailors, pirates and whatnots I am but a poor maiden, looking for a warm refuge to lay my burdens down.
Eric, why is the ship listing to the port side?
BP: I'm sure the Captain will find your comment....appropriate.
I hope so Christoph I am standing here dripping wet waiting for him to arise zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. "Anyone for a game of poker while we wait."
Chi Chi storms into the Captain's hub with her raven hair extensions flying wildly about. She scans the room through her thick jumbo sized fake eyelashes and says, "Wot is zis aboot ze bachelor shoe und ze Captain?? A contract?? GRRRRR!"
She stomps her feet, fists clenched in a hissy fit rage, spitting hair out of her huge lips as she looks for the contract that will take her Captain away on some sleazy dating show where women fall over one man who gives them roses and champagne.
Oh this is more than even she can stomach after being dragged through the muddy streets by that disgusting Blackbeard and barely escaping with her life not to mention her dignity. Wait, forget that part about dignity, she barely escaped with her favorite fake leather and very spiky heeled knee high boots.
Before she could dig one of her very spiky heels into someone's back (it didn't matter who it was) a question crossed her mind....what about the bachelorette?
"Spryte! Come back! Bring ze red pen!" she shouted as she sprinted out of the hub and off to her flat to change into her studded snakeskin bodice.
@CR - Yes, there's a definite list to port.
@ BP. I wasn't complaining :-)
Can you please walk to the centre of the ship, and turn to face the starboard side. Your - err - appendages as you call them should then counterbalance the weight of the crew, and put the ship back onto an even keel.
And yes, I'm up for a game of poker.
What time is the Captain's ship setting sail? I need to do a little duty free shopping in port and I don't want to miss out. Of course, being the official ship prognosticator, I shouldn't have to ask this (or any) question. I should know the answer!
Just checking to see if we're going to wait for Pest. The expedition just wouldn't be the same without our favorite homocidal (and suicidal) Minnesota trailer dweller!
ER I wasn't complaining either it was quite an experience I will not forget in quite awhile.....haha is this position ok......woops nearly toppled myself over......ok you lose that round, boots off hehe.
Hey Mighty Mom is here and I look a mess. "Where is the wardrobe manager"
Your deal EG...(as Blonde secretly rigs the cards beneath her skirt)
Yes, blondepoet, you're looking very, very wet. I would like to......Chi Chi? Is this you? Oh Chi Chi! I have been searching the seven seas!
(He inhales deeply. The buttons pop off his chest as his neck expandes into muscle and sinew, ripping his collar. His Herculean arms expand, tearing through the chinese silk of his royal blue, puffy-sleeved pirate shirt.)
It is only you, Chi Chi. All for you! All these beautiful women around me...are for you, Chi Chi. (The Captain lifts his chin and flings his hair out behind him. It blows in the swift ocean breeze.)
Don't go to the Bachelorette, Chi Chi. My sword will be broken!
EG: Quickly, every to the center of the ship...before we capsize.
MM: Do your duty free shopping. The ship will not sail without you, my prognosticator.
BP: Deal the cards, my treasure. Who's in?
Captain I found these funny smelling cigars in a box, I think we looted it from Jamaica, you mind if I test it for you, make sure its okay?
GT: Test them, but save some for me.
Save some for me too!!! Just love puffing on a stogey!
I couldn't find a peg, buy I got a nifty hat and eye patch! Ready to sail cap'n!
That was a great story!
I especially love their expression when the two lovers first meet. There were some great details and naughtiness going on here already with the comments? So when is part 2 coming out!? Oh wait, you are probably stacked with fan mails already!?
Oh bout ruddy time..grrrrr ohhh.... Ignore that bit I will start again......."Oh the captain has returned, alas and alack. I stood here for hours like a mangy shaggy hair dog awaiting your return. Your deal Captain...You want to know who that streaker is running around the back of your ship...that is but Eric G, he has already lost this game while we were waiting...and your first mate has run off with his clothes.
jjrubio: Certainly you may partake in the booty from Jamaica. These are special stogeys.
B.T.: With a name like Evilpants, you'll make a fine pirate, instilling fear into the hearts of your enemies. (The captain calls to the galley) Make the butter tarts, Cookie!
Mayhmong: Glad ye like the tale of me adventures. I suspect the next installment will come from my Dear Chi Chi her illusory self. Thanks for takin' the tour of me ship!
BP: Remind me to avoid Eric G. while he is without clothes. As fer yer clothes...arrrrggghhhhh. Your not lookin' like any shaggy har dog I ever seen! I'll take three cards!
B.T. Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha! That avatar is awesome! I'm sure the captain is pleased. I heard him tell the flag maker to use it as the ships terrifying version of the Jolly Roger!
Captain,
I feel pretty hungry after smokin' those Jamaican cigars, is sixtyorso going to open up the galley anytime soon? I think JJ is gettin' hungry too, she keeps lickin' my ears.
GT: Ya sure ya want to stop jj from lickin' yer ears? I can make some coconut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.
Shhhhhhhhhhh GT.... I thought you knew the code ese'....Don't be snitching on your HUB homegirl! =) or might I say fellow Pirate!
You're right Captain, I have a heightened sense of physical awareness right now, her licking is doing something to me I can't explain properly with words, can I eat the coconut butter and jellyfish sandwich as she licks my ear?
Everytime you whisper JJ, it tickles
jj: I too would like to learn this....code. Tell it to my left ear.
GT: Yes, the sandwich and the ear licking can be a nutritious combination! Prevents scurvy, don't you know.
(giggle giggle) GT....I am blushing....
Arrrrrgggghh, three's a crowd. I think I see Chi Chi!
You are always welcome Cap'n....this is your HUB (or Vessel) !!!
Memo to the crew: Don't play cards with that lying, cheatin BP. I had 4 aces - she had 5.
OK, Cap'n, you can look now. I've covered meself with the clothes that I won from BP. I have no need for her double barrelled shanghai labelled "HESTIA" though. Perhaps we can mount it on the poop deck and use it to hurl things at other pirates.
Invisible Caption mode =on:
HESTIA is an Aussie undergarment manufacturer, whose name is rumoured to be an acronym for "Holds Every Size Tit In Australia".
Invisible Caption mode = off:
@jj - Seems to be a lot of "vessels" here for the Cap'n !
I will open the galley soon Toadie. The butter tarts are a litlle tricky though. (or is that dough). I need to tie down BP too (lash her to the mizzen mast out of CHI CHI 's way). I was going to put her in the Captains quarters as requested but we "ave a leetle logeestiks probleem". Also the captain wants his special Tasmanian poker deck back. It has nine aces. Rum is being served while we wait for food!
Spryte where the hell are the contracts for the concubines, Er I mean passenger manifests!
BTW I really do lose 2 hubscore points every time I comment here. A sort of a hubbers fine system for playing in the comments?
Oh alas and alack who has seen a man dressed up in my maiden dress and petticoats.He is tall, has a moderate amount of facial hair, he has that evil look in his eyes. Help me.....damn where is the flares.......SOS....I am now dressed in a beer barrell because of all this..He has stolen my clothes. EG give me back my Hestia, E.G you just wait til I get my hands on you.
Sixtyorso are you serious, are we really losing points,why?
jjrubio: Aye, you've a point thar, lady. GT has not returned. About that ear thling...
EG: Yer lookin mighty stange in BP's clothes.....and....intrestin'...uh...nuff bout that. Yes, tie the HESTIA to the yardaaaaarrrrm. We'll use it like a giant sling-shot! And you are correct, Sir: Vessels...many lovely vessels....
Invisible Caption mode=on:
Thanks for introducing the "Invisible Caption" made. I will use it often...perhaps.
Invisible Caption mode=off
AAArrrrrgggghhhh.
Sixty! You say someones stealing your hub points everytime ya turn yer back? This will never do! One of me own pirates, a victim of piracy himself! When I find the culprit, I'll run him through the jewels with me sabre!
Why, BP, you look delicious in that beer barrel. I'll have a draught of yer amber ambrosia!
*wakes up somewhere in the hold after enjoying a cigar...or two*
Whaaaaaa? Did we pull over at a Krispy Kreme or something and nobody woke me? Damn....where's the grub...I'm hungry...what did I miss? Can we get this thing through a drive-thru?\
Oh look! It's becoming the Lust Boat! Look at all the new passengers!
The Luuuuuuust Boooooooat....soon will be making another run! The Luuuuuuuuuuust Boooooooat...promises something for everyone (even you BT!)"
Spryte: Have Sixty rustle you up something in the Galley. There might be some krispy kremes left!
"The luuuuuuussssst boat, la,la,la,la..." I pronounce this the new theme for the Mermaids Wet Dream.
After you get some grub, join the party. We have Jamaican rum, Cuban rum, and....let's see...Bacardi.
Captain,
I'm sorry I missed swabbing the deck today, I woke up dazed and confused and without most of my clothes. I had to cut a piece of the mast to hide my goods and I also don't want to get sunburn. I see sixty has already closed the gallery on me again but I found these leaves, I think we got them from the South American voyage to Columbia or Peru, I've been chewing on them and I feel strangely alert and my appetite is gone. I think if there is no wind, I can row this boat all by myself too. But I will get to swabbing the decks in the mean time, I'll even wax up the cannons for ya.
Anyone see a jackalope in a pirate hat around here? He sawed the leg off of my coffee table, and strapped it to his thigh! B.Teeeeeeeee!!!
Hahaha all these naked bodies. EG in my clothing, me in a barrel, now a stoned GT with a rod on his rod LMAO.Oh where is my camera when I need it. Oh I think I have locked it my house far far away
GT: Ah, yes, the magical leaves from Columbia or Peru. Just a pinch between your cheek and gum and you can sail non-stop to China!. Sixty has been slacking off on his galley duties. Whatta ya say we go to the Privateer Deck, order some beers and wild boar burgers and bowl a couple of games? We got some new skulls last time we were in port, nice round ones...roll good.
RMR: I haven't seen him but I have been hearing this noise: "Hippity-clomp, hippity-clomp, hippity-clomp." Sweet Posiden's tuchus! I think he's got Sixty imprisoned in the galley making butter tarts!
Blondepoet: Of all the nudity you describe, yours is the only bareness that turns a salty sea dog's heart sweet.
screw the barrel...I will cover myself in two seashells and a piece of rope!!! Lets see if you scurvy dogs can resist!!
"Oh Captain"................Blonde faints on the hard deck. The captain's wooing words has proved too much. "I think I need to go lay down". Blonde stumbles into the deck below...
I think me a Blonde Poet are two hotties on a Ship of ravenous scoundrels...Oh whatever shall we do?
jj: I think you'll draw scads of scallywags to your side if'n you dress that way!
BP: (Calls after BP) Lay down in that large stateroom at the end of the ship. With the door that reads "The Captain."
jj: Just think of it as a cruise in the caribbean with lots and lots of not so secret admirers!
sounds tempting...I will only go if Toad is there too!
He's around here somewhere, chewing on those leave we got in Columbia. I think maybe he's bowling on the Privateer deck with a few cold ales.
Avast! I see him passed out on the deck....he drank all the ale we had left...Where's the RUM??
Captain,
I finished swabbing the decks, shining the cannons, and I finished all the ale and took a little nap. I ate some more leaves and now I feel recharged and I feel like doing a little dance, I’m ready for that muchacha JJ to come back, to come and show me those salsa moving hips that make my blood boil. But I fear if Chi Chi sees another woman dancing she might fly into a jealous rage, perhaps I should take JJ to a private quarter on the ship so that we may dance to the sounds of the Gypsy Kings?
Orale!!! I can answer a YES to that! Lets roll!
jj and GT: I see you've found each other. Sure, pick a cabin, any cabin. Just not the one with the "The Captain" sign on the door. BlondePoet's in there. Nobody's seen Chi Chi around, have they? I promised BP I'd come...and....check up on her. (Swings by rope through the porthole to his stateroom)
Dancing in private quarters to the sounds of Gypsy kings...my hips gyrating back and forth as would a sexy belly dancer .....hypnotizing Toad in every way... he slowly becomes captivated by my sea blue eyes as clear as crystal blue......He cannot resist the wiles of Senorita Rubio....lol....( I AM SOOOO BAD!)
Now that I am dressed and ready to go, when do we set sail??
(The Captain yells from the porthole of his stateroom.) Ahoy, Anna Marie! We'll set sail shortly! Many of us are otherwise engaged. Grab a scallywag and make yerself comfortable!
Holy posts! Nice Hub, Captain - I wait for part II with great anticipation. Meantime, where can I get Chi Chi's costume? I need to get the UPS guy back for that damn scary movie mask job he pulled off here... ;)
OK, We're ready to set sail.
<IMG SRC="http://www.piratesdominica.com/images/pirate_crew.">
(But if Chi Chi finds out that the Cap'n has BP in his stateroom dressed in a barrel and is checking out her bung, methinks there'll be trouble!)
Not to worry my friend.......I am good with a sword, Knife or any sharp object...if the need be! =) as well as my pistola!!
JUST KIDDING
I don't think it's a good idea for GT to be waxing the cannons, one is apt to go off accidentally, and we could all be doomed. As for me, you can find me lounging in the sun, working on my tan, and perfecting my sword skills.
I've just published the first issue of the ship's magazine http://media.photobucket.com/image/pirate/caponegi
AAAARRRGGGGGhhhhhh. (And Phhhwoar!)
WOW!!!! Eyes popping out of my head!!!
Toady stop stealing the South American salad leaves! And you have stolen the biggest keg of Ale and two bottles of my best rum. How am I supposed to run the Galley with you sneaking in and out?
I checked out the freshness of the leaves and it seems I lashed Chi Chi to the Mast and put BP into the Captains quarter and i 've got a randy Jackalope hippity Klomping after Jjrubio in two seashells and a piece of rope and EG is trying to screw the barrel!
Spryte 2 krispy kremes with American leaf (Cocoa) fillings coming up!
Amy G...Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! I'm sorry we are currently sold out of the Chi Chi costume, however, I have personally selected the following three outfits that will work fabulously for you! For the pirate lady on the go, these ensembles provide free movement for those pesky sword fights, limited material - so you're not water logged when you walk the plank - and of course that little glimpse of skin that tells all the boy pirates, "Sure, I'm a pirate...but I'm a woman first." They man be purchased on the 2nd deck in the gift shop.
http://www.amazon.com/Passion-Pirate-Womens-Costum
http://www.piratemerch.com/images/FW5132.jpg
And last but not least,
Here are some more AmyG
http://www.mydivascloset.com/vipicofor4.html
http://www.yandy.com/Deluxe-Pirate-Treasure-Costum
http://www.sexy-halloween-costumes.com/p-13948-.ht
I like any that will show off my Assets...and D'ecollet'e
This look like a fun hub and what a community, setting sail? Pantaloons we are all on a voyage across the seven seas.
I couldn't resist...but we have to have a little music que no???
Eric G: Ahoy! An excellent representation of the surprisingly good looking crew! You must have taken it before the drinking began! I had a message delivered by carrier pidgeon this morning...Chi Chi is expected later this afternoon...perhaps.
Yes, JJ. I'm glad you're kidding. There will be no stabbing of Chi Chi, my one true love. She is to me as the moon and stars are to the sextant!
Anna: I can't have any of my crew getting sunburnt. I'll just rub this lotion all...over....your...body.
Eric G: Bravo! Your current issue of of the ships magazine, "Pirate Booty," is excellent. You're a regular Haaaarrrrr Hefner!
Anna: Sorry. I wouldn't have put lotion THERE if I knew your eyes were going to pop out of your head!
Sixty: Glad to see your back at your post. As you know, there was much confusion without you...plus, nobody here could even fry an eagles egg!
Attention all crew! We wont be sailing until Chi Chi arrives...unless you just want to take a quick spin around the harbor for some skiing and deep sea fishing while we wait.
Whiteorchids: AAArrrgggghhhhh welcome to hubpages and my ship. Why don't you join us? Looks like you're already dressed for a cruise! Bikini-clad pirate chicks are welcome here!
JJrubio: Ha, ha! An excellent song! I think I'll sing 'er right now: Yo,ho,..yo,ho...A pirates life fer me!
Ooooh thank you so much Sixy! I'll just take these here Krispy Kremes up to my crows nest suite to enjoy. You all can keep your cabins, I'd rather have the room with the view. Not to mention the fact that it's a great place from which to randomly attack with water balloons....
If you need me...just caw.
If you insist, Spryte. Just keep your eyes peeled while you're up there. If you see any French Merchant vessels or Spanish galleons, give a hollor. We're running low on wine and sangria!
Oui, oui and Si, si Captain! I'm pretty sure I spotted the Disney Magic a little while ago...are we low on cheesy, over-priced souvenirs?
I could use a Mickey Mouse sextant and a Goofy compass!
Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Chi Chi slides down the mast with the agility of a snake and bounds starboard yelling for the Captain..."I yam here! Sixtyorsomezing tied Shi Shi to ze mast zingy!"
Suddenly she remembers hearing Eric say that BP is dressed in only a barrel and she's in the Captain's quarters.
*GASP* She's shocked that everyone drank the barrel empty of its rum before she could free herself from the mast, and now BP is making Aghhhh noises which can only mean ONE thing!!!
*swoon* She falls into a heap of leather onto the deck and the heaving of her bosom causes the ship to rock over on its side.
Oooooooooooooooooo
and hen ths ship overturns because of the rocking from her heaving bosom, do her bosoms act as air bags and keep her afloat in the turmulous seas?
From his stateroom where he innocently plays Hungry, Hungry Hippo with BP who every time her Hippo eats something, mysteriously coos Agggghhh followed by OOoooooooo. The Captain hears the booze ravaged voice of his one true love....Chi Chi. With the strength of a leopard he leaps to his feet and begins running to the fore deck, leaving a perfect cut-out of his muscular frame in the door just like in those cartoons. Suddenly, there is a large THUD and the boat begins listing starboard. He explodes onto the deck, his powerful frame rock-like. He sees Chi Chi has fainted.)
Oh, Chi Chi! What has happened? (He sees her ample bosom is still heaving. And heaving. And heaving. He thinks she is causing the very waves of the sea. In one fell swoop, he lifts Chi Chi with his powerful arms which rip through his chartreuse puffy-sleeved pirate shirt. "Damn," he thinks, "another pirate shirt ripped by my powerful, muscular arms. I must lay off the steroids.)
Quicky! Did I say quicky? I meant quickly! Someone open another keg of rum...the good Jamaican stuff. (Then, noticing Chi Chi is still unconscious...) I mean, a keg of the rum made in Peoria!
And never fear, cindyvine, in the event the ship capsizes, Chi Chi or BlondePoet may be used as floatation devices!
Aghhh and Ooooo noises could actually mean one of two things: Either the vessel is aptly named The Lust Boat -- no holds barred and everyone down to the bar (I mean hold) where the uneaten Krispy Kremes serve as soft, cushiony pillows and creme and jelly spread over rum-warmed flesh like coconut butter. Or it more likely means we're about to watch a showdown of epic proportions.
In my official capacity as ship's prognosticator, I likely should be laying down the odds on this little cougar clash. Ok then. I happen to have it on good authority that these saucy senoritas are quite evenly matched.
I put 'em at even money:
50 doubloons on Chi Chi
50 doubloons on BP
Ladies and gentlemen, place yer bets.
Chi Chi feels herself being swooped up by powerful arms rippling with muscles and dripping with sweat and seaweed. Oh, surely these could only be the arms of the Captain, but just to be sure, she takes a sneak peek with just one eye. Yes, it's him, and it's obvious that those man meat arms, hunks of heaven even, have ripped through yet another shirt. She lets out a little groan pretending to be in so deep in a swoon that he may feel the need to resuscitate her...at least that was the plan.
"Ahhhhrrrrrraaaaaggggg" *cough cough*
She turns her head into his massive arm that is throbbing with blood, steriods, rum, and passion while his hot breath caresses her body carrying the distinct smell of rum, crab legs, and that blonde woman.
"NO! You drink ze room, eat ze crab AND do ze blonde womenz??" It was bad enough that he drank all the rum and ate all the crab legs while she was lashed to a mast, but now this other woman? And why does he never want to play hungry hungry hippo with Chi Chi? She's played all his other games...walk the plank, pin the tail on the Captain, spin the rum bottle, hide and seek, seek and peek, and, well, never mind.
She cops one more feel before jumping out of his arms and almost changes her mind, but this blonde woman must be dealt with. She ate Chi Chi's crab legs. Slowly she scanned the deck through her sparkly blue contacs and thick jumbo extra long fake lashes, finally, there she was, the blonde one, trying to look innocent with her large appendages buldging out from the barrel.
"I shallenge jou tew a heaving contest!" "Start heaving those appendajass mon sweet !"
"Why Miss Furry Lashes we finally meet, I'll knock you off your stockinged feet.
Prepare for battle unto the end, for I am now the captain's friend.
You may be good, but I am fast, I'll nail you to the upper mast.
Prepare to heave for I am heaving, for very soon you will be leaving.
Before I send you to your end, did you know you've got a few split ends.
(Blonde looks around frantically)
Oh help oh help I need backup, before this wench begins to crack-up
(Blonde thinks out loud)
Alas my wedgie slows my pace, may I be saved by the Captain's grace."
Oh snap...La Guera aka Ms Rubio has entered the fight....Sorry Chi Chi but I have BP's back so you don't want to mess with Guera Loca de craziest hynita to sail the Spanish Main.........
MM: I believe you to be correct, official prognoticator, when you say these two dames er...damsels are evenly matched. I don't brook any feuds between members of my crew. However, in this case I'll make an exception.. CATFIGHT!
The Captain held the delicious Chi Chi in his arms. She was as rum-soaked as a pound cake. Even for a man of the Captains powerful, iron-like, rippling muscles, she seemed heavy and he kept having to hitch her up using his leg. He began to fanticise of playing games with Chi Chi. He had a new one called Mouse Trap that he was just dying to try with the object of his manly, engorged desire.
Suddenly Chi Chi squeezed his package and leapt from his arms to the wooden deck as she scanned....what? The horizon. His manly, pulsing, sinewy, throbbing man area? Then her fiery contacts came to rest on BP in the barrel. Flames seemed to shoot from her eye sockets. Looking at BP, the Captain couldn't figure out how the dickens she was holding up that barrell? It seemed to be effortlessly suspended around her.
Chi Chi spat, hitting the captain on his left, knee-high leather pirate boot, which caused him to shiver. He immediately cleaned of the viscous phlegm splat with a baby wipe. Then Chi Chi issued her challenge: "I shallenge jou tew a heaving contest!" "Start heaving those appendajass mon sweet !" The captain had never heard Chi Chi speak like that before, not a surprise since they hadn't actually met yet. Nor could he place the accent. It was something like French, Spanish, Gypsy, Albanian, Pennsylvania Dutch.
He quickly went to Mighty Mom and handed her a bag of doubloons. "I'll take 100 on the hawt ho Chi Chi. When she heaves, the competition leaves. I think they're mechanical."
You ladies will have to settle your own differences. I'll watch closely to make sure I don't hurt myself...I mean that nobody gets hurt!
"Oh good gracious jjrubio just in time"...pant pant. "Please can you take over with ole' caterpillar lashes here. I got to go find a chisel I can't stand this barrel any longer, I'm a busting out....(Blonde wanders down below deck again), "Captain captain wherefore art thou."
No problemo!!! Come here Chi Chi and let me show you how latinas get down......And by the way Chi Chi you need to borrow the captains shave kit...your pits are nasty!!!
Let the Captain help you get out of the barrel, BP. I'll just rub this whale grease all over you...(He begins to rub BPs body with the whale blubber, reaching down into the barrel. BP says, "OOOoooooooooo" and smiles.
I am done with Chi Chi....I knocked her out cold.... Where's GT??? He hasn't finished his dance with me yet!
He is with me, as I had to hunt them down one by one !!! I will give them back when we are finished ( dancing round and round)>:
jj: He's inside somewhere. Try the Cigar Bar on the poop deck.
(The Captain looked at the beautiful Chi Chi laying on the deck, so languid, so heaving, so...unconscious. He thought he saw her peeking through one eye. Was she unconscious? Or just playing possum?
On closer inspection, the good captain discovered that the one eye seemingly peeking at him was made of glass, and the heaving breasts were nothing more than huge silicone implants, the weight of which, was severely affected the performance of her lungs which had been blackened from years of smoking cheap cigarettes
Oooooooooooooooooooooo
some good stuff ey BP??? Where have you been? =) We missed you!
The Captain looked more closely into Chi Chi's eye. Was it glass or....what. Suddenly Chi Chi reached up and goosed the captain.
"Where is zee chip blonde who goes 'ooooooooooooo?"
this is getting funnier by the minute!
The captain looked more closely at Chi-Chi. Beyond her glass eye and silicon enhanced parts. He noticed that her hair seemed to be a mixture of colours, thicknesses, and species.
He gave it a tug - and it came off in his hand. Revealing a compeletely bald head. In shock, his eyes strayed downwards.
To her eyelashes which were the consistency of a wire brush. They WERE wire. He poked one with his finger, and drew blood. He grabbed hold of her teeth - jiggled a bit, and a set of upper and lower dentrures fell onto the deck with a clatter. Down, down his eyes wandered.
What were those little buttons on her elbows? He pushed them, and her arms fell off. Even further did his eyes follow. He pushed a couple of similar buttons on her thighs, and her legs fell to join the other body parts.
What remained of her lay on the deck, heaving. In a low voice through gummy jaws she said something that sounded like "Captain: Would you like to caress - my little love nest"
He said "OK, just throw it across".
ha ha ha!!! We have all slowly killed of her off today haven't we??? Slow.....steady as she goes...and goes...lets toss her overboard!!!
@jj - I'm sure that Chi-Chi is made of strong stuff, and will recover from this minor setback :-)
Not if we hurry and drop her into the deep blue...she will be lost to Davy Jones Locker....=)
The Captain was horrified at the site of Chi Chi having gone to pieces. It looked sadly at Eric, only to see him laughing maniacally. Eric threw his hand up and down in a gesticulation the Captain did not understand. He looked down at the flagon of rum and coke he held in his hand. It seemed to swirl with all the colors of the rainbow, a tumultuous little storm in a glass. Suspicious, he sipped again from the cocktail and then he was sure....drugged! Drugged by the evil Eric G! It must be peyote acquired from the medicine man in the gulf port town Ocho Shitto, Mexico. It was all a horrible hallucination! "You spiked my drink, you traitorous kisser of sea turtles," shouted the Captain! He drew his saber to protect his heaving lady, only to see Eric G's skin melt off until he was nothing but a skeleton stroking his own sword, just like in that Argonauts play he caught in London. The powerful drug was too much for him, and he collapsed onto Chi Chi.
"MMMM. Chi Chi," he moaned. "What comfortable pillows you have."
You ARE a murderous little vixen aren't you jj. No we can't do that. She must survive so that the captain can write MORE hubs. After all, this is only the beginning - check the Hub title :-)
I'm a bit worried about BP though. Standing around, barell-less, making train noises. Here BP - take your clothes back. I'm sick of the crew trying to chat me up. . THAT'S better.
Where's the rest of the crew? Have they been banished below decks so as not to be forced to take sides? What with all the heaving and moaning and panting and collapsing, I should think they'd at least want to come to the aid of their benevolent employer, El Captain. Then again, is it possible they are following the lead of the Evil Eric and plotting a mutiny?
Chi and BP are unstoppable! JJr waiting in the wings for the spoils. Spryte in the crow's nest throwing waterbombs. whiteorchids conimg aboard in the skimpiest of Bikinis. EG is learing at her leaning on his sword rampant! Dinner is served. No fighting over dinner. Jackalope leg donate by himself when he chose to have a peg leg. BTW I lost another 2 hubpoints. Help me by hijacking one of my hubs please!
EEEEeeeeWWWW. BBBrrr Ssszzchheeekk.
I collapse to the deck, gutted by the Captains Number 4 Disembowelling cutlass.
I've been deaded.
For a crime I didn't commit. Set up by that rascally schemer sixty-or-so just because I told him that the 68 Cabernet Sauvignon he served me was corked.
I've managed to send an SMS to a friend to avenge me. If he gets it, he'll be here soon.
Farewell everyone. Smoke me a kipper. But I WON'T be back in the morning.
Everything is getting dark. I'm getting weaker. I'm ggoing...going gooooooooone
There is a stunned silence as all eyes turn to stare at Eric who is manfully stuffing his disemboweled entrails into the open wound where the Sixtyman slashed him masterfully with his cutlass. All, eyes, accept Chi Chi's glass eye which stares out at an angle to the distant sunset. Chi Chi slowly lifts herself, her silicone implants jiggling in the cool sea breeze and staggers over to a gutted Eric, who is in the process of drawing his last breath. Pursing her botox injected lips which rival those of Angelina, Chi Chi goes down on Eric, thinking that she can blow him back to life as one does an inflatable doll.
Chi Chi beware it is a trick, a gutsy display to get you share your, not inconsiderable, charms with him. Get to the Captain's cabin at once. For the record the Cabernet Sauvignon was not corked, It had a screwtop and I spiced it with the South american leaves, so you are having an illusion and have turned to Chi Chi because whiteorchids has spurned your advances, so pull yourself together. Slap slap.
Blonde is hiding in the Captain's Quarters beneath the Captain's large sturdy silky oak desk. She has been there for a few hours reading 'Learn Karate In One Day',with the dim light of her Home Brand torch.She is so relieved to have her own maiden clothes back although they smell strongly of EG's aftershave and her underwear has lost all its elastic. She now reaches in her pockets and pulls out her Nokia mobile phone. She slowly dials jjrubio's number hoping she is still alive to answer.
So much has happened during the time that Chi Chi was staring down the blonde one with the watermelon-like appendages. Thank goodness Sixtyorso has revived her from whatever state she was in, but she remembers hearing jjrubio mention something about how Latinas "get down." Looking at jjrubio with half parted eyes she replies...
"Zis is no time fair sex!"
Or is it? This was a dilema. NO, the cat fight must come first! Chi Chi trips over what seems like a mountain of hulking man meat and sees that it's the Captain. "He's been drooged!" Ah just the way she likes her men...helpless and too out of it to know they are being pillaged. She rolls him after copping another feel and begins searching for a wallet or a stash of doubloons. "Notzing!"
Stepping over Eric's bleeding body, she slowly circles the blonde vixen, and she wonders if those appendages are real.
*poke, poke*
They sure do feel real, which means they will be no match for Chi Chi's +4 capsular contraction overly firm, man-made mammary amusement park. But she attempts to distract the Blonde so that she can resume the cat fight later. Time is a wasting while the Captain is wasted. Leaning over closer to Blondie, she whispers in her ear..."Ze Copteen wants you in ze cabean toot sweet!"
Will Blondie buy it? Will Chi Chi have an opportunity to have her way with the Captain whilst he is knocked out? Will she find his treasure map?
But because Blonde is blonde and is having a blonde moment, she accidentally presses a 9 instead of a 6, and ends up calling the Pizza Hut at the harbour shopping mall.
Mmmmm Blonde stares down her opponent, trying to get a mental image of what Chi Chi would look like with one eyebrow. Mmmmmmm......She is in a total ball of confusion, hours ago this little pretend French vixen was mere seconds from strangling her....and yet here she is, cooing and pouting while giving her breasts a honk and a tweak.....ohhhhhhhhhh. At that very moment a Pizza Hut boy arrives with 6 large pizzas.
To make matters more complicated Chi Chi is luring her back to the Captain's quarters.(maybe she is gay) Blonde tosses a coin high in the air, heads she goes to the Captain's quarters, tails she eats a slice of pizza then retreats to the Captain's quarters............Heads it is...Turning she heads back to below deck.....checking to make sure Butterfly Lashes is not on her tail....Blonde enters the room and shuts the door behind her....She needs time to work on her next move...
Oops, premature comment accident!
Chi Chi watches Blondie head down to the Captain's quarters with pizza. Now she must make the decision of a lifetime...the Captain or pizza? Pizza or the Captain?
Finally she decides to take advantage of the Captain, so she drags Eric's lifeless body over to barricade the door to the Captain's quarters.
Chi Chi stoops over the Captain and begins an expedition of lust. Even though he's quite pickled, his body seems to be throbbing and heaving with unbridled, hot, pirate-like passion. Or could he be getting sick? No matter. Her eyes drift and lock on his package..."oooh-la-la! I found ze treashure!"
Ah, that must be the pirate ship. I can recognise it by the huge, pink., frilly 48DDDD HESTIA double barrel slingshot hanging from the bowsprit.
I silently crawl upside down up one of the mooring ropes, and land on the deck in a pile of arms. legs, teeth, and hair. There doesn't seem to be anyone around. I'm really tired after my trip, and find a nice dark hole to crawl into to have a sleep. I've got to try and stay hidden until I suss this joint out.
Looking upwards, I see lots of great hiding spots where I can climb up the rigging, hide in the sails, and drop on unsuspecting victims. This is better than the Aussie outback. At least on a ship, I've got a captive food supply.
Drop Bear hides in the shadows and sizes up the food on the deck. "A bit skinny but I can use the thinner bones afterwords as toothpicks to pick my teeth," he chuckles quietly, happy that his waka drifted from New Zealand and bypassed the Aussie Outback to bump against the Pirate ship. "And those fellahs forget that us Maori fellahs were still cooking people in our hangi and eating them as recently as 70 years ago. In fact, some of us buggers are still doing it!"
Meanwhile, Blonde is slapping Ch Chi with a huge slice of pepperoni and garlic pizza in the Captain's quarters. The Captain is stuck in the head where he had gone to relieve himself of body waste. However, his huge hairy bottom appears to have got wedged in the toilet seat and he is unable to move...
The smell of garlic pervades everything.
"ACK!" Chi Chi is slightly aroused by the pizza slapping, but she wished that some of it would land in her mouth because her stomach is ravaged by hunger pangs that far outweigh the ravaging pangs of her womanhood at the moment.
The Captain sleeps the sleep and dreams the dreams of the drugged. In his dream, two Zeppelins float before his face, the passengers reaching their hands out and fondling him all over his sinewy, muscle-cut body. The Zeppelins suddenly morph into a flying carpet shaped link a slice of Pizza...deep dish..with two dainty bits of meat on top. Looking closer, he sees the meat is actually...two women...it's...Chi Chi and BP! And....they are...doing things together....kissing and....heaving....and back arching....and hair throwing...and pillow fighting...and enticing lib licking...and doing that "come here, big boy" movement with their index fingers...and wearing high heels and dancing for no reason and saying, "Wanna talk to two horny girls? Call 1-900-SEA-GIRL!"
Chi Chi looks up from her escapades with Blondie and notices the Captain is now awake from the stupor he was in. Ah, it looks like Chi Chi and Blondie have been caught doing the pizza dance and licking sauce off of each other, but, more importantly, he now knows of their secret job...undercover operators for the Horny Sea Girls Talking Dirty hot line. He must never know this!
So she continues with the lip licking and 'come hither' looks to make him forget about the whole Sea Girl thingie. She elbows Blondie in the ribs and motions with her head towards the Captain....
*wink wink* "Come hair beeg boy!"
Spryte watches from her perch, occasionally shaking her head at the scene below. She takes one final noisy slurp through the straw and empties the last of the sprite from the bottle and lets out a prolonged belch, startling a few seagulls from their nearby perch.
Rummaging through the contents of her pockets, the fey creature extracts a crumpled piece of paper and a minature golf pencil pilfered from a recent outing and begins to scratch out a note.
Things have gotten way out of hand and something simply has to be done...for their own good. She nods to herself, occasionally gnawing on the wood of the writing instrument between thoughts.
With a final glance at the deck below, Spryte expertly rolls the paper into a tight scroll and slides it into the neck of the bottle before capping it off. Nimbly, she navigates the assorted ropes and woodwork, pausing briefly to punt the drop bear overboard, before reaching the stern. She hops onto the rail and with a mighty heave, throws the soft drink bottle into the ship's wake...
She runs her small fingers through Fluffy's fur as the bottle becomes a distant speck, bobbing on the horizon. "I dunno, Fluffy....but iz best we can do fer now, mmm?"
What say? Did no one notice the furtive actions of the spy in the rigging? Where were the able-bodied crewmen to block that punt? But it's too late now. The bottle's been spun .. and splashed in the wake.
One burning question remains: What could Spryte possibly have written with the miniature golf pencil on that note? Her motives are clear: "Things have gotten way out of hand and something simply has to be done... for their own good." What does THAT mean? To whom is she appealing? The Coast Guard? Greenpeace? The Pirates of Penzance?
I hope that someone sympathetic gets that message in a bottle!
Hey, I'm just passing through to see if someone lost a sprite bottle with a note stuffed inside that looks like it was written with a very small miniature golf pencil. It's very odd. I found it floating beside what appeared to be a drop bear while I was fishing. I have no clue what it means!
No one to claim it? Oh well...
*Pam (who is normally a sympathetic individual) tosses the bottle overboard and leaves the ship*
AH. comment box there you are, the comments are as fruity as your yarn Captn, Ye have dun us proud, glad I am your fan,cant wait for next episode.
Oooooooooooooooooooo aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh Chi Chi...oooooooooCaptain....Chi Chi.......Captain.............Chi Chi...........aghhhh...Captain...........Chi Chi..........ooooooooooo..Captain......aghhh...CHIII CHIIIII....OOOOO CAPTAIN...........CHIIIIIIIII CHIIIIIIII
Ooooh, ahhhhh, yippie yaya Blondie...Copteen...eeeek, gurgle, gurgle...snuggle, sniggle, snurgle....Copteen...Blondie...slurp, burp...
Where's the pizza?
The captain had awoken from a dream only to find himself in another dream. Chi Chi and BP were...doing things. Fun exciting things and the Captain was a willing participant. He thought he saw a blur in the ropes against the sky, but it was too bright for him to see. A furry thing appeared to fly from the ropes into the sea, followed by a glass glinting under the Caribbean sun. And the a Hawkes was there...no that was just a dream too...a Hawkesdream. But why would the Captain waste his time on these dreams when everyman's dream was playing out before him?
He lifted Chi Chi in one arm and BP in the other. Naturally, his muscles ripped through his new, canary-yellow, puffy-sleeved pirate shirt. Then he set them down cause he didn't know where else to put them. They danced, they beckoned, they licked. He couldn't understand how he got into this incredible situation, so he went and read Chi Chi's diary that she just wrote that tells her side of the story at:
slurp....gulp.....pant, pant....snarf....lblblbblblblblblblblbptptptptptptptp....mmmmm.......ouch......... snork......snarfle, snuckle..............smother......ahoy!.....snork.....sslsllllluuuuuuurrrrrrrpp...Oh My Goodness......mmmmmml...lmlmlmlmlmlmlmlmlml..
Th Captain looked up from where he had been noisily slurping down his slice of pizza, to see Chi Chi's glass eye rolling around on the floor. Damn thing had popped out when Chi Chi opened her eyes in wonder and delight when Blonde had, in a moment of passion, grabbed the Captain's ornamental 'ship in a bottle' his old grandmother had made for him at the dementia care centre where she resides, and shoved it hard up Chi Chii's orifice.
Yeeee Harrrr ride em cowboy................oopppppps....................I............let me adjust your focus Chi Chi...............ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Technically, it's not rape, but is it still considered "pillaging" if the participants are willing? Conscious? Semi-conscious but strung out on cheap Peorian rum and pizza?
Pirates pillage never rape! Omigosh, Mighty Mom, how could you ever think we are rapists, aye. We just take what is ours to take, which is everything on the seven seas.
Oh Miss Cindyvine, I do fear you've taken offense at my question. In truth, I was referencing the coy yet blatant seduction perpetrated by two non-pirates on one of your own. The parties in question being Ms. Chi Chi and the Blonde one, who we now know are involved in an unholy alliance. As it is my job to prognosticate for The Captain, I cannot help but worry that he's thinking with his pegleg. Arr.
Chi Chi quickly regains and adjusts her focus on her new Blonde friend and the Captain after a very strange ship in bottle experience.
Ooooh...yes...no...yes...no...there, here...up, down...grrrrr...purrrrr...slurp, slap, snap...snort...hoochie coochie...ooooh-la-laaaa!
She wonders how many pirate shirts the Captain's manly arms have ripped through in the past 10 minutes and decides to rip the rest of his shirt off of his body with her cat-like claws.
"Show me zee doubloons babeee!" "We play zee bewbie trap game now!"
Startled by MM, Chi Chi is rolling with laughter over "thinking with his peg leg!" :D
Oui-Oui, can't wait to hear more bout the adventures of Cap-i-tan and Chi-Chi Chamois! Brilliant!
The Captain lay there on the deck, exhausted. Mighty Mom, his prognosticator has apparently learned to communicate with the Captain telepathically. The Captain answers her: "No Mighty, when both parties are willing, that's called 'role playing.' And where did you get the idea I got a peg leg?" He spies a bottle with a ship inside. "That's not my bottle...that's Sixty's, who pilfered it when we plundered that Disney ship." He looks lovingly at his fellow sexual escapaders, Chi Chi and BP. He wanted to give them a token of his deep...er...feelings to them. As if on cue, DarleneMarie leaves behind a duffle and, looking inside, finds two home-made bottles of the finest perfume from one of her lastest hubs. He hands one each to Chi Chi and BP. Then he removes another from the bag and hands that one to Chi Chi too...and then another...and then another...
The Captain smiles cunningly to himself as he hobbles forward, his peg leg tap-tap-tapping on the wooden deck as he hands over the bottles of perfume with a flourish to all the ladies on the boat. He knows that the Opium Scent is just masking the Ovulation Scent which when the girls spray it onto themselves, will result in the men getting instantly erect peg legs. The whole ship could easily turn into a swirling mass of contorting bodies and would be the ideal time for the cunning Captain to make his escape!
All the men smelled the scent of hot excited women on board and were now in extreme lust for the touch of a maiden....they all started grabbing a mate for themselves to ravage into submission... JJ grabs GT and drags him to private quarters below deck...for their own pillaging session!!!
" have fun CHI CHI, BP and CAP'N I know I surely will"! laughed JJ as GT carried her off into the shadows down the stairs below deck!
"So, if I kiss the Golden Toad, will it turn into a handsome prince?" asks JJ with a suggestive smile and a twinkle in her eye.
"Aye," says Golden Toad with his long amphibian tongue hanging out the corner of his mouth. "I'll turn into a handsome prince the minute you stick your tongue down my throat. And if you stroke my peg leg, then I'll be rich as well."
JJ and GT are in the private quarters below deck as Aevans stands guard being cautious that BP , Cindyvine and Pest do not show up.
The Captain was perplexed. Why does everyone insist that he has a pet leg. He looked at his legs. Nope. They were his usual, muscular, bulging, piston-like muscles of propulsion. Unless, unless, Eric had drugged the water supply and everyone was starting to trip.
=) I love ya AE!!!
It appeared that the pet leg , was muscular and strong an oversite on JJ's part, there is a storm ahead (clouds forming in the sky) where's Pest , BP and Cindyvine? (looking around) MAN OVERBOARD !!! MAN OVERBOARD!!! AND A COUPLE OF LADIES TOO!!! AE is still standing guard as JJ and GT are below deck. What is all of that noise? Is it the sound of the sea?
Tossing around in the darkness GT feels softy silky skin against him. He hears the racket coming in from all walls of the ship, there is a buzz, a sensous vibration all around him, he places his hands around JJ only to feel a ball of fur, he is mystified as it feels it is not a pillow, or JJ, but perhaps an animal, he hesitates to make any abnormal, any unsynchronized movement but he is certain there is an animal in the bed with JJ and him, but he discounts it all as his mind blurs from the bodily reactions, but he hears a thumping like a rabbit would make, perhaps a jackalope at that.
They pull the sheet up to see the rabies infected jackalope make a jump at JJ's enormous and voluptuous breasts- "hell no" yells toad as he grabs the rabbid creature and tosses him out the room..."now..where were we?" he asks JJ as she lay there waiting for her handsome pirate!
AE standing outside hears the raucous on the inside, what in the (listening intently), mmmmmmm I wonder where Pest is, there is a lot of thumping going on in there. *knock, knock* hey is everything o.k. in there? (Waves splashing on deck)whisshhhhhhhhhh, whishhhhhhh
The Captain was listening to the strange noises coming from one of the cabins. Then a furry thing came flying through the porthole and hippity clopped on it's peg leg to the other side of the ship and out of view. Those noises again...coming from the cabin. Why, they,,,they were...they were playing hungry, hungry hippo! The Captain felt an anger unequaled in his violent history, an envy with a green monster's head.
"This is meeeee Ship," he bellowed. "If anyone's gonna get any...it'll be me!" And then he noticed AE standing guard by the entryway. The sun lit her hair, her red highlights burning in the light. A cool breeze blew across the fore deck from the east, and the Caribbean breeze rustled her hair, a tender sough playing in his ears. She was soft and shapely and her very pose - with one hand on her womanly hip and an epee sword in her other - was both gracious and seductive. The Captain inhaled the salty air deeply (popping the buttons off his chest and ruining another damned puffy-sleeved pirate shirt, this one robin's egg blue.) He rose to his full 6'5" frame and approached her...slowly...carefully...like a hunter who's delicious prey has been cornered.....
The maiden smiled seductively as she parted her lips and her thighs. The Captain had a bulge in his trousers that was so big, the maiden wondered if it was the pest hiding there after its narrow escape from the cabins below.
From the spar, spryte takes careful aim, one eye squinted shut, tongue pressed between her lips, protruding slightly in concentration.
With a grunt of satisfaction, she launches the rubber band missile at the Captain's ass...
The Captain Jumps and drops AE on the deck, as he sprints after Spryte his peg leg gives way and he slips, "Oh Captain she went that away", said CindyVine , The Captain rises quickly and dashes after Spryte.....
The Captain felt a "slap" of a rubber band hit his right buttock, immediately deflating the bulge in his pants which I can assure you was not Pest. He was starting to feel self-conscious about his perfectly perfect manly legs. Why did everyone kept insisting he had a peg leg when he did not...unless they were mistaking the mighty bulge as a leg, which now that he thought about it, sounded just about right. But then the final blow to his ego came. AEvans had written him out of her arms. She dumped me! In my own script! The outrage! People will begin to die!!!!!!!!!!!
"Oh Captain" , AE replied , "I did not dump you?", "you were a cheat and were not ready to change your ways!"
Spryte curses and rummages around in her pocket for lethal ammunition...managing to retrieve a handful of lint-covered gummy bears. For a minute she pauses considering if the sacrifice is worth it....
"What the heck," she mutters and loads the pea-shooter (or in this case gummy bear shooter) and takes aim at the Captain's rather prominent....err...proboscis.
Taking deep breaths and puffing up her cheeks, Spryte exhales with a quick
"pppppppppppphwwoooooooooooooooooot!"
catapulting the stale fuzzy candy through the air.
Mighty Prognosticator climbs up from below deck carrying a rainbow-hued stack of freshly ironed puffy shirts. "My Captain, you are testing the limits of my prognosticating power! It's well nigh impossible to predict what's gonna happen next 'round here! I can't tell the players without a scorecard. Where in the heck did Spryte put that miniature golf pencil? Anyone got a scorecard I can borrow?"
She neatly lays the pile of shirts on an overturned rum barrel. "I'll just leave these here and you can take your pick. I see you've busted through an entire week's supply already. Since when can they spike rum with steroids, anyway?"
Shaking her head she mutters under her breath, "I hope Pittsburgh never gets wind of his fascination with that rogue A-Rod. Oh well, no honor among Pirates, I guess!"
Sure, AE, now that you fear for your very life!
Suddenly something, some projectile, enters the Captain's mouth. It is fuzzy, and sweet, and chewy. His sense memory overwhelms him and he recollects his childhood on Hispaniola. His best friend had been a young girl of his own age. Together they had roamed, hunting polliwogs, collecting snakes, and using their sling-shots to shoot unsuspecting passersby with gummy bears or la gummo es bearitas. Spryte. True friends through thick and thin. He had been horrified when the Harpies had carried her off into the sky, his little wooden play-sword no use against the monstrous beasts. How he missed her. He wished she could be here now, getting this story back on track.
"Yes, MM, thank you for the fresh shirts. I appreciate the lemony freshness and the ironing. You wouldn't be able to prognosticate when we'll be getting a new shipment of shirts in, would you? And it was peyote in the rum. The steroids are in my personal locker, acquired on the Island of Cypress, and you know how those Greeks are in their admiration of the male body, especially of....shall we say...statutory.
"Statutory!" yelled AE, "You were going to kill me?" , "How dare you threaten me , you no good womanizer!" " I see you kill them if you do not get your way!" Ae walks away and then turns, " Go after Spryte and eat your gummi bears!", shouted AE.
Don't go away mad, AEvans. Here, take a puffy shirt as a souvenir. They are color-fast, drip-dry Sham-Wow material. If you don't like it as a shirt, you can use it to buff out your dinghy or swab the deck.
"Captain, captain", coos Blondepoet. Where for art thou ? I am back from MCDonalds I have a fun meal here for you. I will go set the table.
The gummi bears contain a secret ingredient which causes mind-altering hallucinations. Suddenly, the Captain wonders if its all been a dream and that its Patrick Ewing in the shower at Southfork.
"A puffy shirt as a souvenir MM?", (AE thinking), "well I believe I will take a shirt as I could use it as a nighty". Thank MM, it will certainly come in handy.
Spryte's ears perk up at the mention of a Happy Meal and her tummy begins to growl and make unhappy noises, reminding her that she has had nothing to eat for a while...and now she's all out of gummy bears too.
She waits until the blonde wench is busy setting the table for dinner and shimmies down the pole. Spryte darts back and forth between overturned barrels, over-inflated women and tattered puffy shirts and snatches up the Happy Meal box....inhaling deeply of the fast food aroma wafting from within the cardboardish box. Mmmm....
Before anyone can stop her, she scampers back up to her crow's nest and tucks a paper napkin beneath her chin, rubs her hands together and prepares to dig in.
She frowns....
A boy's toy?????
Biting into the cheeseburger, she tosses the spiderman action figure over her shoulder and onto the deck below....
Anna has returned to find the ship a rather strange and different place than she had left it. Everyone seems to be on something, and there are torn shirts, bodices, and panties everywhere, and stranger still, a spiderman action figure. She is sad because she has missed out on all the fun.
Please don't feel bad, Anna Marie! There is plenty of fun still to be had on this ship! Here, this raspberry sorbet colored puffy shirt will look fetching with your creamy dreamy skin and auburn hair.
Not everyone is on something. Stick with bottled water and you should be fine. But stay away from the rum, or you'll soon find yourself ripping off your own (or someone else's) bodice and panties.
BTW, the Spiderman action figure is yours to keep. Although I must admit, it is an odd piece of treasure to find on a pirate ship.
Thank you kindly for the shirt. I feel safer now. Less likely to have my bodice ripped. I guess the spiderman figure is no stranger than the Mickey Mouse sextant or the Goofy compass.
The Captain woke up in a brain fog, dazed and confused. Could it have been the perfume, the lint covered gummi bears, or both? He didn’t know. He instantly had a flash back to the days of hanging with Hendrix. Feeling like he weighed a ton, he dragged himself up. He then stood there at the foot of the bed, staring at the sheets littered with Swarovski crystals. “What the heck happened last night?!” he exclaimed.
"Kill you with Kindness, AE," muttered the Captain. "With kindness." The Captain sighed. "And statutory referred to the Greeks who, as everyone knows, like to have sex with young boys. It was not directed at you." How had this happened? He now was completely impervious to the effects of illicit drugs, having built up an immunity. At first he though he had woken up at the foot of his bed, but now he saw he was on the deck in a pile of sherbet colored puffy-sleeved pirate shirts. He looked forlornly around the ship. It was official. He had lost control of this vessel, his vessel, The Mermaids Wet Dream. It wasn't exactly a mutiny, more of a cute-iny, but control was gone to say the least.
His eyes came to rest on blondepoet and the mysterious items she had brought with her, some odd circular sandwiches. Yes, that's what he needed...something to eat...and maybe a new hairdo from her expert shears.
Anna Marie Bowman was here now. He knew he was getting old. In the old days - say, 5 minutes ago - he would have ripped her bodice just because. What she was doing with a Spiderman action figure was beyond him...but...meh-arrrgggghh.
DarleneMarie was mumbling something about Swarovsky crystals. Maybe she was one of those New Age chicks, or a maker of peg legs studded with the reflecting, gem-like crystalline solid rocks.
The Captain sat at the table with BP, enjoying the burger - she called it, a Big Mac? - and looked into her eyes. She was kind he could see, by the concern in her eyes. After finishing his meal, he kissed her hand a shuffled toward the entryway.
He paused and handed Mighty Mom a tinging group of metal object. "Here are the keys to the ship," he said with a bittersweet smile. "You're in charge." Then he continued into the darkness of the ship.
The Captain locked the door to his stateroom and made himself a cocktail. He mashed up some breadfruit and mixed it with coconut milk, and filled the tumbler with his private reserve of "Wray and Nephew Rum," the world's most expensive. He kicked off his boots and sat on the edge of his Touch-comfort mattress. Was this his lot in life? Sailing the seven seas, robbing, pillaging, and singing stupid pirate songs? Maybe he would sail to that string of islands were everyone was a virgin - he'll call them the Virgin Islands - and set up a little beach bar with snorkle rentals, those kite things that you hooked up to really fast rowboats, and Jet skies powered by sea turtles. Yes, maybe that's what he'd do. A nice quiet life on a beautiful beach. He was tired of traveling.
Chi Chi steps on deck just long enough to exclaim, "Ze Copteen does nut have ze pig leg!" How dare anyone think that either of his manly, piston-like legs are not real.
She begins dousing herself with the perfume the Captain gave her when she notices a broken hungry, hungry hippo game tossed carelessly in a corner. "No, no, noooo!" They were going to play that tonight!
Before she could finish her thought, a McDonalds french fry hits her on the head. She looks up to the crow's nest and spots Spryte munching away on a Happy Meal..."Grrrr! Heat my mouth next time!"
On her way out, she asks MM for a sunflower yellow pirate shirt with buttons that pop off easily.
Your comment section is just as entertaining as your hub. I'm honored to be your fan. Excellent. Gucci Excellent!
Nice hub. Do you do birthday parties?
The Captain noticed a voice that seemed to float into his cabin with the wind. The voice was ethereal, disembodied. He listened closely, he neck taut with strain. He heard it again. It said, "Dooooo yoooooo dooooooo biiiiiirrrrttttthhhhhddddaaaaayyyyyy paaaaaaarrrtieeeeeees?" The Captain shivered and then he answered, "Noooooooooooo. IIIIiiiiii doooooooooo raaaaaaaaape aaaaand piiiiiilaaaage paaaaaaaarrrrtiiieeeeeeeeesssss! Yoooouuuuuuurrr inviiiiiiiiiiitted!
And the voice was gone on the wind, just as it had arrived, presumably, thought the Captain, to slip into something more comfortable and return for the party.
GT woke up in a daze, it was quiet, there were a million stars above him, for a moment he thought maybe he was on a psychedelic trip, an after effect of too many Jamaican cigars. He felt a throbbing pain on the side of his head, he rubbed and found it to be tender, swollen, a lump. He lifted himself up only to see that he was floating by himself on a dingy. Blimey! Someone must have blinded sided him on the way to the poop deck. A dirty seagull landed on the dingy with him. GT considered whether he should capture it, perhaps for food if need be, but he realized he must be close to land if there were birds around. He felt an ocean breeze and felt the water’s mist slap against the boat. He looked down to see he had nothing on but what appeared to be a table cloth from the galley. He wondered if that jackalope had anything to do with it.
"Sacrebleu!" Chi Chi says for no apparent reason other than she just learned how to spell it. Wait, there is a reason for her to say sacrebleu...goldentoad is adrift on a dingy and appears to be dazed and confused and something is throbbing!
"Hoist zee sails! Pull zee anchor! Lash zee mast! Clear zee poop deck!"
But what is that she hears? It's coming from the Captain's quarters and it sounds like moaning and groaning and sleep talking...something about virgin islands and kite thingies and voices and rape and pillaging.
"Ah, zee Copteen is dreeming zee wet dreems!" "Sacrebleu!" :D
The Captain fell asleep in his stateroom - he knew not when. He had slept fitfully, the noises of the ship and it's passengers - or crew I should say - entering his half asleep ear and out the other. There was moaning and groaning and laughing and gassing and kissin' and fishin and drinking and stinking and ringing and singing, the splash of a dingy hitting the water, and humming and coming and going and flowing, jj running around the ship frantically searching for GT, and planking and spanking and fighing and biting and whoring and snoring. Yes! The Captain was snoring. At last.
He dreamed of the Virgin Islands and the placcid ocean just 30 feet from his beach bar, the Captains Quarry. The sand like thousands of mini pearls (Hooooowwww deee) for a front yard. He held a rum and guava juice in his hand, listening to the swells and watching the sea gulls circling overhead. In his dream, it was so pleasant he moaned contentedly and groaned with the pleasure of rest for the weary.
Suddenly, he was awakened by the loudest, harshest scream that had ever been endured by man or beast. It was blood curdling. The Captain leapt from the comfort of his bed, pulled on his knee-high leather pirate boots and, grabbing his saber, rushed to the deck ready to defend a damsel whoever she may be. He looked around on the deck, his long silky hair blowing in the wind, his huge muscular arms, like giant cables, taut and ready. He saw her. It was jj, but what was she screaming for? He rushed to her side to see what was distressing her. Her frightened, horrified gaze was cast out over the ocean. The Captain grabbed his spy glass and looked outward. There it was...a tiny skiff far away on the water rising and falling with the waves. He focused in. "It's GT...adrift," said the Captain.
"AAAAAAAAaaAaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghgghhhgghhhhhhshssssspspssuuutttttererrrrrrrrr" came the fearsome cry from the ruby lips of jj. "My man! And he's getting away," she bellowed. She leapt up to the rail and began to look as though she would jump and go after him. The Captain was reaching for her...but would he grab her in time?
History has been unfair to Captain Bligh and he was no sissy.
Help!!!!! yelled AE , " As the Ocean Waves slammed to the floor, The Captain looked back...
JJ saw toad floating on the dingy a ways from the boat slowly drifting into the distance.. with nothing but the cloth...she jumped off the ship and swam to his rescue with a fresh pair of trousers for her salty yet sexy pirate friend...at last she made it to him....
Candyass strolls on deck twirling her pimp cane and whistling a tune. She stops dead in her tracks as her eyes begin to absorb the scene around her...stinky drunken pirates slumbering on the poop deck, skanks and planks, food, cigars, torn but very colorful pirate shirts, parrot dung and what looks like an assortment of children's games.
"HEY! This ain't no gah dang cruise ship! I've been bamboozled!"
She angrily kicks over a rum barrel and out pours a blonde woman and hundreds of pearls...real ones too. No stranger to pillaging, egg throwing, and picking pockets, she quickly stuffs her coat pockets full of pearls and runs off the ship.
SP: Really? Next you'll be telling me Stradivarius didn't make peg legs.
Suddenly, another feminine cry arose from behind the Captain, and he quickly turned to see the source of the noise. It was AE. That brief moment of indicision was enough, and jj had leapt from the rail into the churning waters. The Captain rushed to the rail. Perhaps he could still save jj. But there was no need. She was gone...like a cartoon swimmer who can swim from one place to another in comically fast time, she reached the dingy far, far away and hoisted herself into the boat in one smooth move. Though the spy glass the Captain could see her revive GT. She gave him mouth to mouth and then poured cold beer down his throat until he came to. Then she removed from her bodice a blanket, a cooler of cold beer, fried chicken, potato salad, pasta salad, spinach salad, chefs salad, ceasar salad, fresh baked bread, butter, tapinade, hummus, a barbeque grill, charcoal, starter fluid, hamburgers, hot dogs, ribs, sauce, buns, ketchup, mustard and a hot cherry pie.
The captain turned only to see the strangest creature he had ever laid his sea-dog eyes on. A female creature - obviously a spirit - dressed from head to toe in leather and swinging a magic wand. The Captain froze, mezmorized. The creature strolled the deck. She kicked over a barrell and BP came spilling out onto the deck, giggling, along with hundreds of pearls - real one's too - left over from the oyster orgy yesterday eve. The creature filled her pockets with the white orbs and ran of the ship...which was REALLY odd since we were surrounded on all sides by water. She just...dissappeared. The Captain was freed from his frozen state and he rushed to BP to see to her well being, and also just to see her well.
sorry mate - doesn't pass muster.
(Cute-iny - Bahahhahahahahahahahahhaa - I loved that term)
CAP'N- I agree about the Reviving of GT but "she removed from her bodice a blanket, a cooler of cold beer, fried chicken, potato salad, pasta salad, spinach salad, chefs salad, ceasar salad, fresh baked bread, butter, tapinade, hummus, a barbeque grill, charcoal, starter fluid, hamburgers, hot dogs, ribs, sauce, buns, ketchup, mustard and a hot cherry pie." ???? WOW thats extreme...
Now the Beer, thats an affirmative...
The reason I made it so quicky to Toad is because sea water transforms me into a Mermaid...and I thought you knew?? LOL
pacwriter: Why don't you take a flying ____! You scurvy dog!
Spryte: Ahoy! My sandwich is missing something...would you pass the muster?
jjrubio: Well, you're an extreme kind of gal. That's how you can have all that stuff. didn't know you turned into a mermaid. That's totally cool!
Seeing that jj and Candyass have left the ship in a hurry, Anna strolls about the strangely quiet ship. Feeling safer, she removes her rasperry sorbet colored puffy shirt, in order to feel the breeze against her skin. She stashes the Spiderman figure and the puffy shirt in her bodice for safe keeping. Who knows when they may come in handy. She pulls out a fifth of something special, and enjoys a nice drink or two.
But, but, the Captain was right here...right in front of her, yet Anna could not see him. She must have joined the spirit world! The Captain watched her have her little drink. It made him thirsty. As thirsty as a man adrift for 30 days.
Her eyes clear, as it was the sun that blinded her, making it hard to see The Captain right in front of her. She offers him a swig of her drink. Share, and share alike, right? The Captain drinks heartily, polishing off what is left of Anna's drink.
Now that that had been settled - Anna wasn't a spirit after all - and he had refreshed himself with the remainder of her drink, he thought he should return the favor. He snapped his fingers and Sixty came running out onto the deck. "Sixty," said the Captain, "bring us two bottles of champagne on ice - uh, use that ice we got from that iceberg a couple of weeks ago - and some lobster, crab legs and oysters."
"yes, sir, Mr. Captain, sir," Sixty said, and he ran back to the galley to prepare the feast.
Excuse me, your hartyness, I seem to have dropped my... Oh pardonez moi, monseiur. Je me suis rendu compte que ce n'était pas une partie à deux. Préparé, j'ai été, pour une bonne pilage. J'avais abandonné mon épée, mais ...
Flattered by The Captain's generousity, Anna sips her champagne, and tastes some of the crab legs. They are delightful. She grabs a chunk of ice and runs it over her lips in a teasing manner, hoping to distract The Captain from Frieda's attempts at luring him away with her knowledge of French.
The Captain turns to see the nervous Freida, speaking something like Frech. The Captain had plundered enough French merchant vessels to pick out a word or two. "Two's company and three's....more company. Have a seat. Plenty to go around..and pick up your sword. The time for pillaging will come.
He noticed Anna running the ice over her lips seductively. As the ice melted against her hot mouth, the droplets fell to her bodice. He started to have...pirate thoughts!
"Oh Captain," AE cries " A Terrible Thing has happened?", " I caught Pest with this other woman, and he professed his love to her?" " He wanted to see her thingies." Oh, Captain what do I do" ( tears flowing down her face).
The Captain heard the cry behind him that could come from none other than AE. He turned to her to see what was the matter, for whoever was responsible for her pain would have to answer to the Captain. Just thinking of the offender caused the hackles to rise on his powerful and sinewy neck, straining at the collar of his fuscia, puffy-sleeved pirate shirt. The wind toussled his hair and as he thought of revenging AE, a small smile formed on his lips, the bright Caribbean sun glinting off his teeth as white as pearls.
"Who is this Pest, fair lady," the Captain asked?
"Pest," came AE's reply.
"Yes," the Captain continued, "But who is he?"
"Pest," said AE.
"I'm sure...but what is his name," the Captain encouraged?
"Pest," said the lovely AE.
The Captain was starting to become agitated. "Ok," the Captain proceeded, "When his Momma calls him, what does she say?
"Get your lazy ass in here, Pest," said AE.
"So everyone thinks he is a pest," said the Captain? "Yes. Everyone," said AE, "That is his name."
His name is 'That', the Captain asked?
"His name is Pest," said AE, 'That' is his neighbor."
"So," the Captain continued, cautiously, 'That' lives next door to a Pest?"
"All 'That' and more," said AE.
The Captain shook his head violently to get the cobwebs out.
"Ok," the Captain said finally, "We'll just call him Pest."
"'Bout time," said AE.
"Tell me, AE, if you are able, who was the other woman?" "His Mother," said AE.
"Ahh," said the Captain, "a mama's boy."
"If you only knew," said AE.
"Let's try this: To whom did the Pest profess his love," the Captain questioned?
"His mother," AE said.
"Naturaly," said the Captain.
"Oh, there's nothing natural about Pest," said AE, shaking her head sadly.
"Well, perhaps - if it's not too painful - you can tell me whose thingies he wanted to see?"
"His mother's," said AE.
"Well, looking after his mothers thingies...doing the laundry for her...is not so bad."
"He doesn't do her laundry," screamed AE, "He wears it, and dances around in it, and has sex with his mother!"
"Egad," exclaimed the Captain with disgust and horror!
"You must be avenged, AE! He must be dispatched to the great treasure chest in the sky! I do not know of this Pest, for he has never visited my ship, or any of my previous ships before this one - enough of a reason to run his liver through with my cutlass - so tell me, pray, where does the scallywag reside?"
"Oh, dear," exclaimed AE, "You won't hurt him, will you," asked AE?
"Um," the Captain stalled, "Of course not," he said with his fingers crossed behind his back.
"Ohhhh kaaaayyy," said AE suspiciously, "He lives in the shanty shipyard off the coast of Capetown, where the rickety, run-down boats are permanently moored."
The Captain flew into action. "Avast, mateys! Git yer lazy land lubbing arses up from yer cots! We're setting sail! Take yer positions! Haul anchor! Free the line! Raise the hizzenmast! Flar the flibbengast! Swab the deck! Secure the stores! Affix the cannon! Polish the balls! Arm yerselves! Lookout to the crow's nest! Git off the pot! Wipe yer toucas'! Untie the ropes from each other and store 'em in their proper places! Bring me a rum and coke! First Mate, stark the stinkinpots! Up with the rowboats! Down with the music! Don't be hatin! And stop at Fantasy Island and pick up GT, jj, and any other stragglers! We've places to go and livers to skewer! Sail away!
Chi Chi wakes from her slumber with chunks of hair glued to the side of her face - the result of dried up drool. She hears the Captain barking pirate orders with the booming voice of an opera singer.
"I weel poolish zee balls Copteen!" she says in reply to one of his manly orders.
Before she could take another step, she hears a woman, Frieda, speaking in French. Oh no! This is an outrage! There's only room for one Frenchy on this boat! Or maybe Chi Chi can use this to her advantage. She will have this Frieda person, who isn't even French, teach her the tongue of her supposed native language then kick her overboard!
Grabbing Frieda by the bodice, Chi Chi drags her behind a rum barrel and says, "Yew weel teech me to speck zee French mon cheri!"
hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahah...how many ha's is that?...hahahahahahahahahah
hahahah... this was too good mate'!!!!
This woman's stench drenched poor Frieda's nose. "What an odd request," thought Frieda. "Who was this woman anyway?"
Chi Chi's heavy bosom weighed upon Frieda, who was suddenly overcome with the not so fresh feeling she was unfamiliar with. Sweat? She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. She had no choice but to succumb to this nasty woman's request.
"Mais bien sûr, madame. Je ne suis que trop heureux d'obliger." (But of course, madam, I am only too happy to oblige.)
What HAVE I been missing out on over here?!?!!!
Chi Chi could see that Frieda thought she was a nasty girl, so she quickly said, "I yam sexy nastee as zee Janet Jackson...no?" It didn't look like Frieda was buying the whole Janet idea, so Chi Chi heaved a heavy sigh which landed her imposing bossomness against Frieda which pinned her to the rum barrel.
"On wis zee lesseon!" Chi Chi tried repeating Frieda's words..."Mays bean sir, madame, jay nay sew qwa kay true heureus..." Hey, wait a minute, if she didn't know better, she'd swear Frieda just said Chi Chi has herpes. She gave the French talking Frieda a side glare and arched one eyebrow in question of this, and soon the translation followed. Should Chi Chi believe this smooth talker? Hmmmm.
Not one to think for more than a couple seconds, Chi Chi was satisfied with her first lesson, but she really wanted to learn more seductive phrases, like "let's get it on" or "can't touch this unless you have 100 doubloons" or "faster, faster" or "is it over already?"
Oh well, maybe she was expecting too much too quickly as usual, so she pulled a fifth of half empty rum out of her cleavage and shoved it towards Frieda and said, "Merci madame, dreenks zee room!"
As Chi Chi had begun to polish the Captain's nether region, the Captain said, "No, Chi Chi, the CANNON balls....on second thought...carry on." Then Chi Chi began speaking French with the newcomer, Freida. Chi Chi said, "Zee meez Frito, I poh-leesh zee bolls of zee Copteen."
Everyone froze and watched a mom who was laughing pass through the scene.
Apparently, Chi Chi had finished her first lesson as she turned to the captain and exclaimed,"Voir le capitaine, je polissent vos boules lourdes et viriles et il te coûtera seulement 500 sovereigns d'or." Now, the Captain didn't speak frog fluently, but he had pillaged enough French vessels to get the gist of what she said which was something like "See captain, I polish your heavy, manly ***** and it will only cost you 500 gold sovereigns."
The Captain blushed and handed over a money pouch.
Chi Chi, anxious to try out her new French, turned to the Captain and said a full French sentence of something that she figured he wouldn't understand. She sure didn't understand it, but her new French teacher said it meant, "I polish you, now you polish me, and then we will roll naked in 500 gold sovereigns."
The Captain handed her a money pouch which she accepted, and then she began sprinkling the contents all over the deck while her eyes tried to hold his gaze captive, but he seemed confused about the money sprinkling. It finally dawned on her that perhaps he was paying her for the polishing.
"Sacrebleu! Zee boll poleeshing is good businees!"
Chi Chi becomes very excited about this new money making venture. She can barely contain her glee as she skips around and forgets about rolling nude in the gold sovereigns. She runs off to find a cell phone so that she can order business cards and such.
She yells over her shoulder, "Yew get zee poleesh free always Copteen!"
Mighty Mom, the ship's official prognosticator, hears the siren call of faux French accents and comes up on deck to "chequez-out le siztu-ayshon." . As always, she struggles to find meaning in the scene in front of her. A doubloon strewn deck. The Captain standing proud, his family jewels polished to a blinding gleam. And Chi Chi heading off with her cell phone pressed against her ear. So typical. Chi Chi making a valiant attempt at rising above her base nature by taking French lessons. But the minute the Captain comes into view, she is as helpless as a kitten. Is this true love? Or just another day on the floating bordello? And who's running this gig? Is Chi Chi the madam? Or is The Captain pimpin' his ho ho hos with a spiked bottle or rum?
One thing's certain. Prognostication doesn't pay nearly as well as some of those other "...ication" words. Maybe MM should contact Ms. Babbley and sign up for lessons of her own.
It seems to me that once again I need to step in and get some order out of this chaos. No food for any of you until you sit down at the captains table and behave like ladies and gentlemen. no polishing. No nudity, no lust, until you have eaten properly and done your assigned duties. Ze offenders will be punished. Lashed to the mast, or chained in the hold. Or worst still, I will have to arrange a walking the plank ceremony! Keelhauling is nt out of the question either! Cell phones to be turned off at once. Boullibase, pink champagne and Rum (for the men)! Buttertarts and Irish coffee for afters. Step lively folks!
The Captain stood firmly like a rocky outcropping, solid and unwavering. There went Chi Chi again, running off. Where did she keep getting off to? He feared he had misunderstood just as everyone misunderstands her, and giving her the gold sovereigns perhaps offended her.
Mighty Mom, the official prognosticator, came on deck and as usual, communicated with the Captain telepathically. The Captain answered her queries aloud, though to listeners it made no sense. "Same old," the Captain said to Mighty, though Mighty had not spoken aloud. He continued to listen to her mental observations. "Really? They're that shiny?" Another pause as the Captain listened. "She's very misunderstood, you know." "I am running things, of course." "Say what?" "Now see here...!" "Oh...about your salary...I'm doubling it, Bob Cratchet."
Sixty waddled onto the deck now. He could tell he hadn't taken his anti-psychotropic medication, his eyes filled with delusions of grandeur. He thought he was the Captain, such was his miserable mental state. When he had finished his rambling gobbletygook, the Captain spoke to him gently, "Of course, Sixty Sir. Aye, Aye. Uh......do you remember where the Galley is? The little room with all the pots and the pans? Why don't you go back there and lie down....and don't forget your meds!" As Sixty shuffled off, the Captain yelled to him, "Goose stuffed with wild rice for dinner...7 PM sharp!"
Aye Aye Captain, but the geese are stuffing themselves with wild rice, rather slowly so they may not be as stuffed as you would like them to be. But I will baste them in Calvados and dress them with liver (Pate). Seven sharp (er what day Captain?).
Chi Chi ha offered to do her belly dancing as pre-prandial entertainment should that please you sire!
That's today, Sixty. Just make that wild rice on the side then, won't you? And Chi Chi dancing for our pre-dinner entertainment. Perhaps she'll do the Dance of the Seven Chamois Leathers! I haven't seen that since Port Royal up at the top of this hub, so very, very long ago!
She tells the chamios is almost worn through, somewhat threadbare and is now see thru, but she'll do it for you Mon Capitan! Err Captain that's not exactly wild rice on the side, the goose pens are a litlle cramped. But don't worry all will work out (in a manner of speaking that is).
Chi Chi's eyes widened upon hearing the powerful and commanding voice of Sixty. He sounded quite like a captain himself!
She gives the Captain a quick wink and assures him that the only misunderstanding was that she was tricked by that French teacher into believing the French words she spoke to the Captain meant something other than what they were. Rolling naked in gold coins indeed! Actually, it seemed like a very good idea, but she couldn't engage in that activity in this moment. Apparently her services were needed to dance at dinner.
Ah she was but too happy to dance, even though her chamois was getting quite shabby and threadbare. Dancing was her life. Her father, the female impersonator, taught her to do the hoochie coochie when she was only 4 years old. He also taught her everything she knows now about makeup application. Oh how she missed him...her...him...whatever.
Thinking about her song choice for the night, a lullaby her mother used to sing to her as a baby came to mind...that Ricky Martin song, "She Bangs." Oh yes, that would be a perfect choice...
"She bangs, she bangs, oooh babee when she mooves, she mooves, I go craysee!"
Thinking her mother made Chi Chi hungry for ice cream with sprinkles and corn flakes and anchovies. She rushed past Sixty to get to the galley before he did in order to score some ice cream. If he caught her, he might lash her to the mast again!
Smirking with the self-satisfaction of one whose salary has just been doublooned, Mighty Mom headed back down to the galley to have a tete-a-tete with Sixty. She totally agreed that the way to a crew's sanity is through its stomach. If The Captain would not use his power to impose some order 'round here, then by Jove, MM and Sixty would take matters into their own capable hands.
A formal dinner at 7. Pre-prandial entertainment by none other than Chi Chi herself. Let's just hope she remembers the steps she learned at the Jelly Belly School of Mideastern Midriff Flexing last year. Was bellydancing like riding a bike? Once you know how you never forget? Well, we'll know soon enough. The Dance of the Seven Chamois Leathers requires incredible navel dexterity as well as balance and endurance. Hopefully Chi Chi will lay off the rum until after her dance....
MM shoots The Captain a telepathic question: "How many guest for dinner tonight? And do you want salad served before or after the main course? I'll let Sixty know. See ya, Cap." And with that she followed the ice-cream-craving Chi Chi to the galley.
Just then, she had a telepathic brain fart. A little cartoonish cloud appeared over her head, visible to everyone. "Hungry for ice cream with sprinkles and corn flakes and anchovies? Thoughts of "mother" also? Could this craving mean that Miss Chi Chi is ... with Chiclet?"
Chi Chi, Sixtty, and now Mighty Mom had left to go to the galley, once again leaving the Captain alone on the deck, his long hair blowing in the wind, the strong definition of his frame against the background of the blue sea. That little seaside bar, restaurant, snorkle rental was looking better and better. He inhaled the salt air deeply, his manly chest ripping through yet another puffy-sleeved pirate shirt. "Damn," the Captain said, "I'm running out of puffy-sleeved pirate shirts."
Yes, maybe the time had come, before he had to wear a peg leg and keep a parrot tied to his shoulder for company. He could just hand the whole operation over to Mighty Mom and Sixty. They would find out how difficult it was to run a pirate ship. Perhaps the dear Chi Chi would come with him. If only he could get her away from these bad influences, he knew he could free the kind and beautiful soul beneath. Kind of a Patty Hearst thing. Oh, decisions, decisions.
Ag walks in after a hard day at the salt mine. spots Chi-Chi sitting there , looking as seductive as always.
"Get us a beer love I'm bushed"
The Captain stares at the strange accented stranger. Salt mines? He must be harvesting sea salt. He was uncomfortable with the stranger ordering Chi Chi about, but they did need salt. The stranger reclined in a deck lounger and took out what looked like a very large bamboo pole. He mumbled something about "playing me Didgerie Doo" and held it to his mouth and blew into the thing. It emitted a low tone not unlike the cry of a whale. Hmmm. This gave the Captain an idea.
Chi Chi is highly impressed with the telepathic powers of MM, and she even knows about the Jelly Belly School of Mideastern Midriff Flexing and naval dexterity. This is no mortal woman, she is some kind of priestess or something. She gives MM a humble bow then rushes off to get the man with the funny accent a beer.
"Hair yew go monsewer, froosty joost as yew like eat!" she says to Ag while fluttering her long lashes till they almost fly off of her eyeballs. Oh how his accent makes her tingle.
She hears the Captain thinking aloud about handing his ship over. While she would follow him to the ends of the earth or the galaxy or even the ship, she said,
"Oh Copteen, only yew can roon theese sheep!" She feels suddenly teary-eyed that he seems to know something about her that she keeps hidden deep inside her heaving cleavage.
The Captain was brought out of his daydream by the phhhhhhttt of a beer opening. Chi Chi spoke to him. "What sheep, Chi Chi? I should have known that crazy Australian would bring sheep with him. Well, he may want to dress the sheep in panties, but we'll be having those fuzzy beasts for our meals. And I promise, Chi Chi, I won't ruin the sheep. I'll have Sixty do all the cooking."
Everyone freeze, I'm passing through again.....
Everyone froze as the Mom who was laughing passed through the scene again. Where had she come from? Where was she going? How did she get here? Who was she? Was she a spirit? Was she a siren? What time was dinner? Oh...the Captain had so many unanswered questions.
Blonde struts her strut across the deck it seems like ages she has been gone.Tired, hungry and cross. You see she had been sold to a neighbouring pirate ship for 20 quid, by conspirators aboard the Captain's ship. Oh alas it all had been rather a nightmare, sold,like a piece of turkey to a toothless, ruthless band of slobbering pirates, forced to cook in a hot sweaty, stinking kitchen.Forced to wax excess back hair and butt cracks with a kitchen spatula...If it had not been for her accidental burning down of the evil ship's greasy kitchen, the boat would never have burnt down and sank, leaving her to float on a tub of bourbon through the perilous seas, of infested sharks....and god knows
Indeed not happy she made her way below deck, hunting the Captain down, to tell him of her betrayal, the scandal, the hell she had endured burning bacon aboard 'The Ship Of No Return" If it had not been for spiking piranhas in the deep sea with her stilhetto shoe, and eating them alive, she certainly would have perished.Where was he.??.....Grrrrrr......Why had she not been rescued sooner?.........."Captainnnnnnn", she hollered. OOoooooo she was not happy........
Just as Spryte had about given up, the homing seagull arrived. "Yes!" she cried happily, doing her little Snoopy dance of joy. At last...a response to her message in a bottle.
Dear Spryte:
Blah, blah, blah....sent to Denver...blah, blah, blah....stuck in a blizzard....blah, blah, blah...pirates and mai tais....blah, blah, blah....Improvise!
Blah, blah, blah,
Shadesbreath
Crestfallen, the little imp screwed up her face and took a deep breath so she wouldn't cry. Although, she was a bit amazed that her message in a bottle had made it all the way to Denver...in a blizzard...up hill both ways, she was now at a total loss as to what to do.
"Improvise my ass," she muttered, fixing herself another mai tai as she decided getting drunk might be a better idea.
Deep in the bowels of the ship, the Captain labored caulking the inner hull of the ship with a paste made by mashing up the pulp of the breadfruit and applying it until it hardened. While breadfruit was a nutritious food that could be grown in empty rum casks out on the various decks, few realized it could also be fashioned into a waterproof caulk. It was at just this moment he heard a woman's voice. He listened intently. It was BlondePoet! He had though she had abandoned ship with the others. He expected such things from the other scallywags, but never from her. Not after that night under the stars when she shivered his timbers. She sounded like she was in distress. He rose to his full 6'5" height, drew his saber, and in one mighty bound was out of the hold and on his way to her rescue!
A seagull, inside the ship, flew past him with a little note tied to around it's neck. The Captain watched it fly through the door and up towards the crows nest. Coming back to his senses, he bolted again, continuing his search for the elusive and beautiful BlondePoet.
She spotted him from a far making his way towards her. She could recognise his manliness at a thousand feet or more.. Suddenly she began to incorporate a distinct limp in her stride, and she tore at her skirts to make her plight seem so much more realistic.
She reached into a water barrel as she passed and splashed the cold liquid beneath her eyes, (she was beyond tears let me tell you ). She quickly tussled her long blonde hair with her fingers, until it resembled a bird's nest and she painted her face with a sorrowful expression. As he closed in the gap she collapsed in his strong, muscle bound arms. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh", she cried,"whyyyyyyyyyyyyy", as she lost consciousness of all around.
A large case suddenly gets thrown over the railings, closely followed by a handsome man in a tailored Brooks Bros. suit. An picture of sartorial elegance, spoiled only slightly by the knee high gumboots he was wearing.
Ah this looks like a grand place to set up shop, he says.
There's so many people here with Keyboard problems. All these sticky keys.
I've NEVER seen so many Ooooooooooooohs, Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, !!!!!!!!!!!!!'s, and hundreds of similar posts where people's keyboards have stuck on repeating characters.
Probably all the various bodily fluids getting spilled. They're even ankle deep on the deck. Lucky I wore the gumboots, he thinks
He sets up his display of keyboards on his folding table, making sure that the waterproof ones are featured prominently.
A few seconds later a splodge of some sort of thick, gooey fluid from the direction of the Captain's stateroom flies through the air, and splatters onto the keyboard.
The keyboard salesman smiles. He'll do great business here!
Ah, that'll be a great real life demonstration
Finally, the Captain saw BlondePoet. She was walking with a limp and he moved to her side in one giant stride that stretched 10 feet. She immediately collapsed into his powerful, pulsing cannon-like arms. What had happened to his sweet BlondePoet? Her hair was toussled into a rats nest, her gown torn the length of her side to her waist. He noticed she wasn't wearing anything underneath, and he felt the rumble from deep within his loins. Then he realized the rumble came from the galley where Sixty was preparing the pork loins for dinner. Poor, dear blondePoet. Her face was splashed with water, whether from the ocean or her tears he did not know. There was a noise from the deck. It sounded like...mmm...tables....tables being set up. Then a splotch of Breadfruit caulk fell from his shirt onto blondepoets neck. The pulpy, wet caulk resembled hand lotion, and he scooped it off BlondePoet and flung it out the entryway. He heard it "splat" somewhere, followed by a gleeful laugh. The captains brow furrowed. It sounded like the laugh of a salesman. But there were no salesmen on board. Or so he thought.
"Sixty, set another place for dinner! The prodigal blonde has returned!" Mighty Mom sensed, rather than actually heard, the Captain reunite with his towheaded love interest. Ducking to avoid a flying wad of breadfruit caulk, MM made her way from the galley toward the deck.
She quickly intuited the Captain's needs. Right now, these included some quality alone time with BP and someone officious to deal with the interloping salesman upstairs.
"Yo, dude with the keyboards," she barked
. "You got a peddlar's license for those? Can't you read Pidgin English? Check out that sign. It clearly says:
'siro stuakipa hia oltaim'
Translated, that means: "Zero storekeepers here always" or more to the point, "No soliciting."
The keyboard salesman heard a voice asking him if I had a peddlars licence. He turned around, and saw one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen striding towards him, eyes ablaze with fury.
He smiled, at her and said "If there was REALLY no soliciting permitted here, there wouldn't be anyone onboard. From the little I've observed so far, everyone is soliciting everyone else for some purpose or other."
And keyboards are not the only things I sell. I heard that your captain is running out of shirts. I happen to be the sole agent for a range of the finest non-tear silk puffy sleeved shirts in the world. They're reinforced with kevlar, and are guaranteed not to tear, shred, dissolve.
But enough of this crassness. Tell me about yourself, beautiful lady, and how a lovely girl like you comes to be on a ship like this.
wow MM u tell him I so proud of u(hugs)...my story part two to be continued shortly
Chi Chi strolls on deck feeling a bit dejected over the failure of her ball polishing business which stopped before it ever had a chance to get off the ground. She spots what looks like a salesman of keyboards and other items.
"Meestair salesmon, yew help Shi Shi wis her Oooooooooooooooo key?"
He didn't hear her. He appeared quite smitten with the high priestess MM. This gave Chi Chi a good opportunity to hide his box of pirate shirts that won't tear, shred or dissolve. She lived to watch the Captain's steroid filled, masculine, and passionate muscles ripple, buldge and rip through the fabric of his colorful shirts.
"Ze no reep shairts moost nut be seen by ze Copteen!"
She wonders why the ship is so quiet and empty, and MM has just placed a "Do not disturb the Captain" sign on the Captain's cabin door. She walks over to the dining table and removes someone's name card from a place setting and sits down with great anticipation of eating some loins...pork loins.
Apparantly, the Captain was locked in his stateroom with blondepoet and a "Do not disturb" sign on the door, placed there by his official prognosticator, Mighty Mom. Blondepoet remained unconcious on the Captain's water-bunk, undulating gently with the roll of the ocean.
He couldn't get over that laugh - that salesman's laugh he heard on the deck. It was vaguely familiar. He looked out the porthole of his cabin onto the deck beyond. There he was, ogling Mighty Mom, obviously lusting for her. He had strange items set up on the tables before him, including many rectangular box-like...things with all these little buttons on top decorated with letters of the English alphabet. He reminded the Captain of someone...but who? Who could this mysterious rectangular-box-like-things-with-all-these-little-buttons-on-top-decorated-with-letters-of-the-English-alphabet salesman be? The word "traitor" came to mind. But noooo, the Captain did not know him or from whence he had come. It was though he had dropped from a tree, or a mast in this case.
And then he spotted Chi Chi. His dear sweet Chi Chi. She was so misunderstood. Many despised her and treated her poorly. They didn't know the real Chi Chi. The little girl seeking the love that had been denied her in her childhood. What others saw as outrageous behavior, the Captain saw as struggling to fit in, to please, to feel wanted and befriended, and that is why the Captain wanted to schtupp her.
And also because the Captain knew how many millions Chi Chi's father had
Chi Chi sat quietly scanning the poop deck while thinking, "Oooooh, I yam sew misundairstood and treetaid sew pooply." That thought was broken by cindyvine who somehow knew that Chi Chi's father had sired millions of babies...especially after his shows when he was dressed up to look like Cher. For some odd reason, chicks really dug him when he was in drag. She wondered if this Cindy knew of her father's whereabouts as well.
She fingered her hair extensions and began getting a bit edgy in waiting for the loins. Her plump lips were watering with anticipation of eating some juicy meat. To pass the time she started watching the Captain's hubscore go up and down, up and down, and up and down again. It was quite fascinating and sensuous all at the same time...this up and down, like the waves in an ocean or the heaving of her bosom or the slow motion of churning fresh butter or the [censored].
Quite startled by the unsolicited (pun intended) attention from the Keyboard Salesman, Mighty Mom's inherent xenophobia kicked in. Who is this interloper? More to the point, who the hell does he think he is??? "You talkin' to ME?"
"Why yes," he blushed/gushed.
"Listen, alphabet boy. You're not on the mean streets of the upper west side of the Big Apple anymore. This ain't no swap meet. This ship is the private property of The Captain. People come aboard by official invitation only. You got some ID by any chance?"
Suspiciously, she scanned the proffered ID. "Obviously a forgery. Who are you really, and what is your business with the Captain?" "Oh wait! I should know this!" She pressed her palm to her forehead, concentrating hard.
Words jumbled together in rapid succession:
"Chi Chi." "Cher." "Drag." "Million." "Sired."
Could this possibly be Chi Chi's long lost father? There was only one way to find out.
"Come with me to the galley. And don't try any funny business. I'm not buying your sweet talk, mister. So save it for some other MILF." And with that, Mighty Mom shoved Keyboard Salesman toward a showdown with the restless and hungry Chi Chi belowdecks.
...and when the Captain thought of how many millions of babies Chi Chi's father had made while dressed as Cher, it made him want to expunge the contents of his stomach. He looked at blonde poet still unconcious on the water bunk, undulating. But she was always undulating. She undulated when she walked, she undulated when she talked. She undulated here, she undulated there. She undulated with, or without her underwear. It was great, the way she undulate. Feeling seasick, from watching all that undulation, the Captain decided to go top side to embrace his one true love, Chi Chi. He would wrap his massive, tree-trunk thick, popping-muscled, shirt-ripping arms around the not-so-tiny and heavily-girdled waist of Chi Chi.
The Captain staggered from his bunk, leaving the "Do not disturb" sign intact. No reason to interrupt Blondepoet's unconscious undulation. Let her rest up. The Captain smiled as he closed the door behind is jello-bodied blonde bombshell.
He followed his nose toward the galley. Mmm. Pork -- his favorite kind of loins. Well, his favorite cooked loins, anyway...
There sat Chi Chi, lost in her own undulations. The Captain's hub scores fluctuated almost as wildly as the NASDAQ.
Suddenly, Mighty Mom burst through the galley door, pushing a stranger in front of her. "Oh good, Captain, you're up. I hope you had a good "nap" cuz you're gonna need all your wits, strength and bulging muscles intact for this. We got us a major situation."
The Captain and Chi Chi both looked at MM quizzically. Then they fixed their attention on the mysterious Keyboard Salesman.
"Ok, Alphabet Man. You've got exactly 1 minute to explain who you are and what you're doing on this ship." Of course by now MM, being the expert prognosticator she was, had guessed his true identity. The "key" was poorly hidden in the "boards" he purveyed... But she wanted to hear the stranger's confession in his own words.
Chi Chi could smell the Captain approaching top side before he ever reached top side. There was no mistaking that intense aroma of hormones, testosterone, pheromones, and many other types of mones. Her bosom heaved the heaviest heave of all times at the very sight of him...it nearly caused the ship to capsize and she popped a few corset buttons too. She ran into his massive arms and looked up the full length of his 6'5" or 6'7" imposing stature and gazed deeply into his eyes.
With her long eyelashes tickling the throbbing veins in the side of his neck, she whispered in his ear (which was hard since she's only 5'5")...
"Copteen, yewer hoob score is inflating again."
Suddenly MM appeared with a stranger in tow. Chi Chi marveled at the magnificence of this MM who obviously puts the Captain and his ship above all else...even the flirtatious advances of an alphabet salesman.
Chi Chi looked quizzically at the stranger with the alphabet boards. Up and down she looked, but she couldn't place him. Who was this stranger? He'd better not be an instigator of mutiny!
"No mootiny on my Copteen yew salismons!"
The Captain must of been dizzy in love, for he suddenly found himself in Chi Chi's arms in the Galley with no clue how they had gotten from outside on the deck to here in the ship's kitchen, ripe with the smell of loins...of pork...for dinner. He was exhausted to be sure with the hubscore inflating, and deflating, and inflating, and deflating, over and over, hard and sturdy and then helpless and flaccid all the live long day.
Mighty Mom was holding the mysterious stranger prisoner. The Captain looked him up and down, but mostly up. That face looked familiar. Silver hair...chiseled face...a sort of Sean Connery thing happening....yes, familiar, but the Captain could not place him still. Perhaps it was his clever disguise, the Foster Grants and the dab of zinc oxide on his probiscus.
"Speak," the Captain ordered!
"Well...."
"Stop," barked the Captain. Oh...the alphabet salesman was a wily one, agressive and violent and as tenacious as...um....a....a Tazmanian Devil, just as an example but BEARing no relation to anything in particular and certainly no indication of his actual identity.
"Do as Mighty Mom has ordered. Speak!"
Between the heavy preasure of Chi Chi's bosom, which she was sure broke a rib, and the undulation of BPs everything, Frieda found herself swirling and swirling and tottering and swirling. She tripped on a rope. Her last thoughts before finding herself falling overboard was, "Je voulais juste trouver mon épée ..." (I just wanted to find my sword...)
The Keyboard salesman wondered at the xenophobic display that had been put on by the object of his attention, and then noticed the tiny purple brooch she wore. He then understood that this was a graduate of Madame Kafoops, who operated the "International College of Paranormality and Prognostication". He wondered why she was referring him to other members of the Moro Island Liberation Front (MILF) .
Anyway, he thought he'd play along. After all, she was leading him downstairs.
He cast his mind back a few minutes and recalled that a very large, aromatically distasteful woman had taken a package from his case. No matter, he had plenty more shirts.
He now stood in a room with many people, all of whom seemed very unfriendly and aggressive. Particularly one large, wild looking man who seemed to be the toy boy of xenophobic woman who had brought him down here and ordered him to speak.
He Said "I am a trader. With things you need. He pulled out a unrippable silk shirt from his bag and presented it to the man who stood there with strips of shirt hanging around his . "Here' I think you are in need of one of these".
The large, fragrant woman was there too. He recalled that she had kept muttering about "poolishing ze Bolls". He handed her a bocce set that featured large golden balls. This should satisfy her needs.
And to the rest of the crew, he gave each of them a chocolate Easter egg. Slightly melted, but as chocolate was a rare treat, they overlooked this, and gobbled them down greedily.
His minute was nearly up. He concluded by saying that he had noticed the instances of sticky keyboards had reduced greatly since he had started selling his waterproof keyboards, and that he had a lot of other things he could trade to benefit the crew, and make their lives easier.
He also offered to pay for his passage on the ship with triploons - the new gold currency.
"OK. That's it he said. I'm thirsty. I need a rum.
(The Keyboard salesman noted that someone called "The Captain"seemed to have some sound detective skills - or that someone had taught him to read IP addresses.)
The Drop Bear was now fully rested, and lethal.
It had been quite a while since someone had kicked him off the boat while he was sleeping, and he had floated for quite a while before reaching an island and stowed away on another boat, hiding in a large case of keyboards, and other things.
By some twist of fate, he had been brought back to the very same pirate briganteen. It was quiet. Almost everyone was below deck.
He jumped out of the case, ran over to the tallest mast, and climbed quickly to the very top. He looked down at the crows nest, where a funny looking woman in a floral dress sat. Scattered around her were numerous batteries, together with a long, round object with what looked like bunny ears on one end of it. She was cursing, and saying "Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Damn.". Wonder what that was all about.
The woman looked strangely familiar. yes, he was sure that she was the one who had kicked him overboard. He had caught a glimpse of her laughing face as he hit the water.
Yes he'd fix her!
Taking aim, the Drop Bear leaped from his perch above the crow nest, and dropped straight on to the woman in the crows nest.
His long, deadly teeth drove deep into her neck, piercing her jugular vein, breaking her spinal chord, and leaving her lying helpless with a look of surprise and horror. Same as all his victims did.
He started chewing off lumps of flesh to quell his hunger pangs. In the past. people had mistaken him for a kind, gentle koala. they obviously hadn't read his hub.
His meal finished, he went back to the very top of the mast, where he could not be seen from the deck below. He watched. And waited.
Drop Bear did not realize his devilish devouring of the floral-attired crowsnest-sitter had, in fact, been witnessed. Mighty Mom's prognosticatory prowess included not just mental, but olfactory and aural powers as well. She could not help but overhear the terrible crunch, crunch, crunch of razor teeth ripping human flesh, much like a kind, gentle koala might crunch a ripe bamboo shoot.
She made a quick side trip over to Drop Bear's profile. She recalled hearing somewhere that music soothes the savage beast. Surely some melodically cadenced fan mail would have a similar effect? Her xenophobia did not extend to bears, but she was taking no chances.
Making her way back to the ship, she happened to look over the side. There she saw a strange site: A baleful, bobbing, babbling Babbley. "What's that you're blubbering about? An epee? My dear Miss Babbley, are you daft? Here you are, proverbially up the creek without a proverbial paddle, and you're going on about your sword?!!! That is the most ridiculous thing I've heard all day. And trust me. I've heard a lot of ridiculous things today. Well, don't worry. I'll get you out."
MM knew better than to ask Chi Chi and the Captain for help. Once they got into that dizzy in love mode they were of no use to anyone but each other. She'd rather die than admit vulnerability to that Tazmanian snakeoil salesman. For all she knew it was he who dumped poor Frieda in the drink. She briefly considered borrowing Chi Chi's cell phone to call the Coast Guard. But time was running out. She had to think fast.
Suddenly, a stiff wind gusted across the deck. The box of unrippable puffy shirts blew open, spewing its contents. Mighty Mom knew instinctively what to do. Years of training as a Cub Scout den mother kicked into gear. She briefly wondered if den motherhood might score her some points with Drop Bear as well... Something to pursue later, perhaps.
She gathered up the contents of the box, expertly tying the shirts together sleeve to sleeve to sleeve. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, mauve. Drat. No violet. Oh well, mauve would just have to do. When she was finished, she stood back and admired her handiwork: an unrippable rainbow rescue rope. If any friendly frigates happened to see the rope they would immediately recognize it as the universal symbol of gay pirate pride. MM could hardly wait to tell the Captain. But first, she had a drowning damsel to contend with.
"Grab on tight and don't look down." MM pulled up with all her motherly might. Still the rope swung the trembling Babbley in all directions. "You ok down there?"
"Ah oui, merci bien," replied Frieda. "But this is all a new experience for me. This is my first time swinging in both directions."
"You'll get used to it. In fact, stick around here long enough and you'll forget you ever swung just one way."
Nice Hub.
" BURP" I need another beer!
And where's me f*****g sheep?
Geez it's quiet on this ship thought Drop Bear.
He hears an Aussie voice below - and makes a mental note not to kill the owner in future. (Drop Bears do not kill Australians).
He knows where the sheep has gone. the ChiChi lady is using it as a tampon.
He also watches a woman tieing shirts together and pulling a person out of the water. Must be some sort of Food Gatherer thinks the Drop bear. "She could be useful in future. I might not eat her until last"
Well that is reassuring I've never been eaten by a drop bear,
Ag thinks to himeself " self, that just might be a new experience!" Nah!
btw. I did have more than one sheep , the crew are many!
The Captain held the canary-yellow puffy sleeved pirate shirt the Salesman had handed him. He pondered the shirt, which would not rip when his massive biceps flexed, or the tendons in his neck tightened. On the one hand, the ladies loved to see the Captains muscles ripping through his tunics - in fact he had them specially made in Hong Kong to rip more easily - but on the other hand he did go through a lot of shirts. He looked up from his reverie to see the crew eating chocolate eggs. "Stop," the Captain commanded, "they may be poisoned."
'No," said the Keyboard Salesman, "and look...I have Peeps too! And they're stale too!" The crew fell on the peeps like chicken hawks on a chicken coop. Even the Captain had a couple, of course, he had built up a tolerance and resistance to poisons and illicit drugs, as you may remember from the comments about 2 feet above this one.
He then saw the lantern light reflect off something in the corner behind the file cabinet containing manifests, logs, rosters, accounts receivable and payable, sales letters, tax records, inventory, customs forms, a yo-yo and a bottle of rum. He pulled out the item from behind the cabinet. It was a sword. An Epee sword, to be exact. "Oh," said the Captain, "the missing sword. Has anyone seen the Babbling Babbley? Tell her I have her sword."
He saw his love, Chi Chi, polishing the bocci balls the Keyboard Salesman had given her. He never saw her as happy as she was when she polished balls. Rubbing them gently and buffing to a shiny surface, sometimes cupping her left hand under the balls while rubbing them, and then kissing the balls with her red, luscious, puffy, enlarged lips.
The Captain heard a horrible noise from the deck area. The sound of flesh ripping and goring and spurting blood. He looked through the porthole and was horrified at the sight. Horrified, I say, for what he saw was a group of sheep eating his breadfruit trees. They were important to the ship and it's mates, for The breadfruit tree has an amazing range of uses. The fruit can be cooked and eaten at all stages of growth. It can be eaten as a starchy vegetable, pasta, or rice. The fresh fruit can baked, boiled, roasted, or steamed. Currently, The Captain was exploring ways on how to freeze or can fruit slices and produce chips, crackers, snacks, infant food, flour and starch all from breadfruit. These multipurpose trees also provide construction materials, medicine, fabric, glue, insect repellent, animal feed, and more. Breadfruit can be grown with a wide range of plants. The trees also give shelter and food for important plant pollinators and seed dispersers such as honeybees, birds, and fruit bats. Plus, the fruit were large balls, which Chi Chi liked to polish, or could be used for a pick-up game of bowling on the deck, as substitute cannon balls, or as projectiles to dislodge Drop Bears from trees, which could then be tied to a spit and slow roasted over fire until it was juicy, tender and delicious.
The Captain sprang from the room in one mighty bound to rescue his beloved breadfruit trees, ripping his shirt as his massive physique became lodged in the door frame. He freed himself and went on.
"All for one and one for all!" shouted Mighty Mom, bounding across the deck. The noise of the breadfruit-eating sheep assaulted her sensitive ears like Lee Press-on nails on a chalkboard. "All hands, shoulders, arms, legs and peglegs on deck, pronto! We need everyone's help! Those damned lambs must stop screaming. It's driving me stark raving bonkers" she wailed.
Too transfixed with her ball-polishing, Chi Chi ignored the call. That was ok with MM. She knew Chi Chi's limitations, and didn't hold them against her.
The Captain and MM reached the sheep/breadfruit scrum at exactly the same time. "Oh Mighty," said the Captain, "I'm so grateful for your den-motherly talents. You must help us save our precious breadfuit crop."
"Breadfruit, schmeadfruit," scoffed MM. "It's those ovine creatures I'm worried about. We've gotta get those damned lambs silenced, once and for all."
With that she grabbed Babbley's epee from the Captain's hands. From the pocket of her frock she produced a pair of electric sheep shears. "You gonna help me, or do I have do to everything around here?"
MM instructed the Captain to put the lead sheep in a headlock. "You hold 'er down and I'll do the rest," she ordered. "If this ewe gives you any guff, hold the epee blade against her throat, and don't be afraid to use it." With that, Mighty Mom set the shears to a #3 and deftly sheared the lead sheep into submission.
One by one Captain and MM defrocked the whole flock, leaving them naked in a pile of cottony wool. MM perused the scene, satisfied. "That'll teach those sheep to poach our fruit! Ag -- take your errant sheep back to Australia -- or at least pen them up somewhere, will ya?"
This was shaping up to be a good day after all. Babbley had been saved, her epee had been spotted, the breadfruit had been spared, and the sheep had been sheared. MM looked at the soft pile of lambswool. "A little dye, and this wool will make a warm winter wardrobe for the Captain." Either that, or she might be able to swap the wool for some baubbles or bling. Hmmm. Suddenly, she turned her full womanly charms in the direction of the Keyboard Salesman...
Actually Bounty and Pitcairn history has been an obsession of mine since I was 13, so I am especially unfond of the unfair rap given to Bligh. Alexander's book The Bounty and Glynn Christian's book Fragile Paradise help to illustrate he was a control freak that really did not have the rapport to be a great sea captain like Captain Cook, the man he studied under. Christian actually regretted mutinying later on, so it was not all black and white. This is a great story though.
Hi Sweetie Pie! You are welcome to join the pirate party! I don't think we've reached the stage of mutiny yet -- although I remain suspicious of the motives of one Tazmanian keyboard salesman... Otherwise, this is the Love Boat personified. Lots of yo ho hos and bottles of spiked rum and all that.
Here. Put on a puffy shirt. Grab a seat and set a spell. Trust me. This ship will dispell any bad feelings you might have about seacaptains. Our Captain is da bomb. Of course, my relationship with him is strictly prognosticational. MM blushes as crimson as her unrippable puffy shirt.
Awright awright awright.
Wos' in charge ear?
I'm the Chief Steward of what it seez up there see. An i ear that their has ben some illegel sheep sherin goin on ear?
(he spots this pretty good lookin sheila wearin double breasted coat, oops sorry thats not a coat)
Lears at her in a way only a 6 foot 9 inch Aussie bloke can. ( btw he is only 6 feet tall)
"Com'n now fess up or I will black ban this hole stinken ship." He sez
Mate am I glad you turned up , its them two over there they did it. her with the two golden arches and him . Him wearing the poofy fabio shirt and the budgie smugglers. ( you would have thought his mum would have taut him some dress sense) Still a guy can do any thing to get the shielas right? (what was that ....oh puffy , sorry I thought you said poofy)
They lambnapped my sheep and used a #3 cutter. That is inexcusable. I thought everyone knew that in the Spring it's a #1 . How unchique!
Now go get em rover.
The Captain, brave and sure, steps between Mighty Mom. "Now see here you ASS (Australian Sheep Sheerer), I won't have any ASS touching Mighty Mom, unless she wants an ASS touching her." He draws his rapier with the "ching" of the metal pulling from its sheath. "You look tired and hungry friend. Why don't you have a seat here at my outdoor seating and we'll serve you up some grub." The Captain nods to MM and she goes off to the galley to fetch the stranger some grub. He points the ASS to the table with his blade and the ASS sits at the table. The Captain roughly puts a rum on the table before the ASS, sloshing rum on the table. He was a hairy man and needed a shave. The Captain leaned in and said to the hairy ASS, "Look Mate. The world famous Chi Chi Chamois is gonna be performing tonight before dinner. Why don't you stick around and catch the show. I hear that the beautiful Sheila named Mighty Mom will be there. She's available, but you better hurry...there's a keyboard salesman has his sights set on her.
The Captain looks over to Agvulpes and sees him licking his lips, staring at the rum. The Captain removes a flask of rum from his pocket and tosses it to Agvulpes, who then relaxes and forgets all about the ASS and the shearing business.
Then the Captain unexpectedly, the Captain broke the 4th wall and spoke directly to the readers:
"Dear readers. About a year ago, when I wrote the first tale in my adventures at the top up there, I made the comment that the Bounty was a sissy ship, on account of I had more cannon than she and she was out-powered. I did not say nor tend to imply that Captain Bligh himself was a sissy, having often been wrongly protrayed in subsequent novels, books, and movies. Just wanted to clear that up."
The Captain turned back to the ASS just as MM arrived with boiled crab legs and sea urchins. He couldn't wait till Chi Chi did her show so thay could eat.
Aw Gee, capitan me old china plate. you sure do put on a good spread.
And who would this chi chi sheila be.?
Hey Ag we might be mates but get you hairy tongue outa me rum.
Now back to CC is she beterun than she of the double golden arches?
The Captain looked at the hairy ASS, perplexed. He had listened to may foreign accents and languages as an international pirate, but this Aussie accent was the hardest to grasp of all. "Well, bloke, if CC means Chi Chi then I can tell you she is good, but she is betrothed to another, namely, me, the Captain of this vessel and skewerer of livers from here to Timbuktu. Who "Double Golden Arches" is escapes me, but I can tell you that there are many attractive female pirates who I would not describe as easy, but adventurous, and well worth the effort to catch their eye," the Captain said, winking. Be warned though, none will be taken against their will while under my watchful eye...both eyes in fact since I still have both and wear not the eyepatch so popular this season with pirates.
Looking across at mr hairy ass. "well cut me off at the socks and call me shorty, I do believe your cryptic reference has got the good Capitan Hornblower bamboozled"
The typos don't help either!
"My Aussie friend," the Captain said, "I understand that "double-golden arches" the ASS refers to is none other than my trusted and loyal prognosticator, MM, but I will not compare the looks of the female crew against each other for your outback sensibilities. I wish to emphasize again the the females pirates in my crew are here of their own accord, have minds of their own, and can weild a sword almost as well as myself, so the hairy ASS my pursue whomsoever he desires, with the afore mentioned Chi Chi off limits of course, at his own peril. I can afford to be of such a liberal mind because my shirts are always ripping and I fill out my tight pantaloons nicely and they adore me. Tell me, friend, which cut of the lamb do you find most delectable?
Ah Ah (backward laugh behind my hand) my wily one, or should that be Oily won.
You are but stalling for you do not hold the Australian Wool & Sheep Holders Importer Ticket (hereinafter referred to as AWSHIT ) and you may be jailed or fined a hefty sum.
What do you have to say in your defence.
Her head was swirling. Swirling. Who was she? Where was she? What was that smell?
The Captain narrowed his eyes at the hairy ASS. "I may not hold the Australian Wool & Sheep Holders Importer Ticket (AWSHIT ), but I do have this!" He drew his saber. It glinted in the bright sun. This states that I am a Universal Pirate Yeoman Organization Uber Registered Sheepman (hereinafter referred to UP YOURS).
Then the Babbley woman, still dizzy and dripping wet from her fall over the railing, stumbled and wound up with her face on the hairy ASS. She mumbled something about the smell, began stumbling around like a whirling dervish, and fell over the rail with a mighty splash.
Chi Chi's trance of polishing her new shiny bocci balls for at least 2 days straight was finally broken by the sound of the Captain's manly voice. It sent shivers through her entire body. She slowly looked around and saw naked sheep, fruitbread trees that had been nibbled on by sheep before they were made naked, the man with the sexy accent, and yet another man with an accent who the Captain keeps calling ASS...hairy ASS, and then there was swirling, swirling Frieda French teacher Babbley. Of course, she also heard about the whole Captain Bligh thingie. Hesitating for a moment, not wanting to disagree with the Captain, she finally whispered to MM, "Ah zee Bligh dude is how yew say...beeg sissy pants!"
Ah, but at last Chi Chi's eyes fell on the Captain's pantaloons which he filled out quite nicely...so nicely that it became impossible to think about pork loins any longer. Pork loins be damned! She dashed to his side and ran one hand slowly up his leg while leaning into his ripped shirt, pulsing manhood, hulking arms, muscular shoulders and softly whispered up, up, and up another two feet to his ear, "Tells me Copteen aboot zee family jewels yew air sew proud of...yew hids zem no?"
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Australian Sheep Shearer grabbed one of Chi Chi's hairy legs (HEY she's French, sorta, for crissakes!) and began shearing away with a #2 cutter.
"Ack! Yew bewbie! I yam nut zee aneemal!" she screamed in defiance. Plus she wondered if he even had a license to clip French chicks.
bravo, captain. Way to start off on hubpages!
haha...good story Captain..you would't be accepting any island stow aways on your ship would ya? I bring offerings of rum from sunny Trinidad and will teach you to 'wine' to sweet calypso music. I always was a sucker for a man in tight pants with a big sword. ;-)
Suddenly, Chi Chi impacted and grabbed the Captain like...an appropriate metaphor eludes me...a Cyclops grabs Sinbad? No. A limp-wristed rugby player? Nah. A ship strikes a reef? Nope. The Captains biceps rip through puffy-sleeved pirate shirts? Oh, come on....Kruschev's shoe impacts a podium? Oh, that's weak....A tornado hits a trailer park...hey, that has possibilities.....
As the Captain was sorting through his metaphorical conundrum and Chi Chi rubbed his torso like a French chef putting a dry rub on a roast of beef, the hairy ASS grabbed Chi Chi and began shaving her legs with jumbo sissors. In one swift fluid movement, the Captain drew his sword and held the tip to the ASS's throat. "Unhand her you scoundrel," menaced the Captain. Just then he noticed roastedpinebark in a deck chair trying to follow the plot line and the characters with a program.
Next to him was a vision. A beautiful creation. He wanted to drink her up and taste her in his mouth, swirling her around to experience her true essence. And that was just the bottle of rum. He then noticed a woman holding the bottle of rum. She was cute, , though she looked as though Chi Chi had done her make-up. She was admiring the Captains tight pants and his long sword. "My name is Sharrie69," she said seductively. The Captain let out a boisterous, ship-shaking belly laugh. "She said 69," he said.
The beautiful newcomer known as Sharrie69 (the Captain let out another huge belly laugh) blushed at the Captains words, which apparently left her speechless and unable to write in the comment box.
While this wily devil is absorbed with the 69er I will sneek onto this ship and see what I can find. I will leave my sheep, for I love another ( hm that does not sound right) any ways ewes will understand where I am coming from. Stand behind me faithfull Ag.
Better still go and park the "Golden Fleece" over by that sleeping Keyboard salesman.
Anna returns once again, having been gone on a search for more breadfruit, just in case the sheep had destroyed them. She returns with three new plants. She searches for The Captain, so that she might share with him the tales of her search, and the wonders she saw along the way.
She is amazed at all the newcomers to the ship. Indeed the ship has grown quite crowded. No wonder Frieda keeps falling overboard. Thankfully, Anna saw her floating not far from the ship and picked her up.
Who is that strangly dressed guy with the wierd alphabet boxes? What's with all the new shirts? Who is this Hairy ASS, and why does he talk so funny?
She continues her search for The Captain, or maybe just a little action before dinner. "I hope I haven't missed dinner." she thinks to herself.
Strewth , stone the crows, who is this great lookin sheila who just came on board with those funny looking trees.
That looks like bread, I think I'll swagger over in a swarve sofistikated way and ask her to share some bread and Vegemite. I might be able to rustle up some Bundy as well you never know do you?
(Christoph enters from stage left. He crosses across the deck carrying a mysterious bundle, and exits into the ship.)
Hm, this Christoph character I'll have to take a butcher's hook at this bloke. I've got a feeling he is up to no good?
What is in that 'mysterious bundle' and why is he exiting "into" the ship. My hairy ass is twitching.Me thinks he is up to no good!
The Captain still stood on the deck, the warm, northerly Caribbean winds blowing through his thick mane. Why no one could see him was a mystery. Perhaps he was invisible. Maybe this cast of characters was a dream?
He saw the Interloper named Christophe walk across the deck, holding a mysterious package. The interloper walked INTO the ship, that is, he was outdoors and now he went indoors, hence he went INTO the ship. Furthermore, since the deck is currently the stage where this play's action is taking place, when a character leaves he EXITS. In this case, Christoph EXITED INTO the ship.
He saw the hairy ASS examining with something odd in his eye...it was...lust. Egad! Who did he want? The hot Sheila by the name of Anna with the fiery red hair, or the...(gulp) man? Oh well, thought the Captain, whatever floats your Pirate boat.
Well what a beaudie that was a Vegemite sandwich and a hot red head as well. No fella's are not my cuppa tea mate.
Now this pirot captain has gotta know something about my one true love I'll just park me Didgeridoo down here and go and see im.
"oiy you over there with that poofy, sorry puffy shirt" with all the rips and showing some chest hairs like all good pirots do.
The almost handsome captain turns and looks at hairy ass and .....
Eating the Vegemite out of politeness, Anna rushes to wash out her mouth with some good rum after the stranger walks away. What the hell was that crap??? Uggg...it tasted like something died in my mouth!
The wind picked up as Anna downed her rum, and so she put her slightly torn lemon yellow puffy pirate shirt on, and walked around the ship. She had seen Christoph walk through just a moment ago. She went in search of him, but couldn't find him anywhere.
The Captain seemed to be annoyed with the strange talking hairy ass with the vegemite, so she dashed over to lend her help, or possibly her sword to The Captain. When is dinner?? She was getting hungry!
Crikey that hot red headed sheila Anna sure can eat. I'd better grab hold of me didgeridoo before she takes a liken to it.
She's got no class, fancy a hot red headed sheila called Anna not liking Vegemite. Hang on to your horses a minute , I might try her on the Lamingtons, I reckon that will bloodywell work . "Heh Anna" Hmmmm she don't look half bad in that slightly torn lemon yellow puffy pirate shirt!
It looks like you have frightened everyone off, my friendly hairy ass.
Even that hot red headed sheila called Anna is not interested in your Lamingtons. Perhaps you should try these Pavlova's ?
I know let's just have a beer while we wait someone will hear the "phhihhtzzzz" and come arunnin.
Sixty still suffering from the ague, seasickness and smitten by CHI CHI's nearly naked cooch dance and his ears ringing from counless renderings of Ricky Martin's she bangs, staggers forth and aided by the ever faithful MM they head out to find the Captain who has been ensconced in his stateroom for 6 days with a do not disturb sign. Chi Chi has danced non stop and sixty and MM require some able bodies to fish for or harpoon some dinner for tonight's repast. There is a fleeting thought that we might remove BT's other leg as the first one was so tasty and went down so well, so to speak!
The buggers are are also raiding the beer tent phhihhtzzzzing here phhihhtzzzz there.
The girls seem happy with the rum and we still have plenty of that.
Captain, a sortie on a merchantman, could top up our supplies too.
The Aussies are guzzling vegemite and lamingtons, so we dont have to worry too much about them for now.
As the captain stood on the deck, the warm, northerly Caribbean winds blew through his lengthy main. He took a deep breath, inhaling the salty air deeply. The buttons on his shirt popped off one-by-one, his tight bi-ceps ripped through the fabric, and for some reason, the crotch of his tight pirate pants tore open. It was odd, the Captain thought, that he appeared to be invisible to some people, for on the deck he stood, but people insisted he was in his cabin or the boiler room trying to invent a boiler or in the galley guzzling shooters of Bacardi followed by a beer chaser.
The sheila named Anna came to his side. Well, she could see him, and that was all that mattered at the moment. "What's for dinner," said the young seductress, "I need some grub." The Captain shifted his gaze to the Aussies and said softly, "Leg of lamb, lamb chops, lamb tenderloin, lamb shanks, lamb roast, lamb hooves, boiled whole lambs head, lambs brain sandwiches, lamb ribs, mutton and mint jelly." Anna licked her lips hungrily. "Here, Captain," she said, handing him a sandwich, "this should hold you over till supper."
The Captain gladly accepted the sandwich and took a huge bite. The taste...it was....gross....his gorge rose like a giant horse-apple in his throat. Egad! It was vegemite! He had been forced to eat it as torture when he was imprisoned by Captain Morgan aboard his ship, the Metrosexual. Fearing he was going to puke his guts up, he moved close to the Aussies.
LOL sorry Captain, I just saw what's Captain Morgan's ship's name!
Btw, good sir, when will the next chapter unfold? I am enjoying the comments and all but I think it's high time that we see a sequel. But of course, The Captain will always have the last say on things even if he can't speak now because of the sandwich :D
I'm with Cris. As I asked, oh about 14 months ago, then what happened?
RB - hope this peer pressure thing works! :D
Where the hell did you get all that lamb? Begging your pardon Cap'n but as the chief cook, bootle washer and fixer upper (not so sure about those crotchless trousers though). Ponders perhaps we can start a new fashion "Cap'n & Anna's crotchless kneehighs for the high seas?" i was not aware we had so much lamb. AArgh perhaps Eric was not halllicinating. Aussie lamb indeed! More like a sheep to the saughter!
Oh well grubs up!
Err Cap'n with your permission we can invite Hannibal. He does so enjoy sweetbreads with Favva beens and a good Chianti!
Chi Chi, for the first time in days and days, abruptly stopped dancing after hearing the sound of buttons popping, biceps ripping through fabric, and the distinct sound of a man's package breaking loose from the confined crotch of very tight pirate pantaloons. There was no mistaking that sound, and Chi Chi could detect this event from miles and miles away. It was a gift.
Anyway, she knew it was the Captain's pants because only his body parts could rip through fabric with such intensity and dramatic flair. That was a gift too. But there were so many people on the ship that she couldn't see him or his now crotchless pants.
She began pushing, pushing through people, tripping over the still swirling Frieda, brushing past a man carrying a mysterious bundle, then finally blocked by Sixty who was announcing that it was grub time.
What to do? Eat some grub? Look for the loin exposed Captain? Drink herself silly? Dance some more? All these questions sent her into a swoon and she collapsed smack dab on a jar of Vegemite...
"Eeew! Stinky pooh!"
The Captain was thinking about the many requests from his massive fan club - yes, there were pirate fan clubs who sent comments and requests stuffed into empty bottles and cast into the sea - that before telling the continuation of the Captain/Chi Chi story, he should perhaps delve more deeply into his psyche with hubs like, Growing Up With a Land Lubber Father, My Momma was an Eye Patch Wench, and Best Peg Legs for Sailing During the Rainy Season. He wrote this down on parchment paper. He would hand it to Mighty Mom later, who would duplicate it 500 times, place each duplication into it's own bottle and cast them all into the sea.
Then Sixty was there, prattling on about where the lamb this and where the lamb that. He was suffering from delusions since eating the spoiled Vegemite. The Captain explained that they had already had this conversation and that sixty had found a few lambs among the flock of sheep, butchered them, and prepared the giant lamb feast which he now served. Sixty remembered, and happily continued to serve the meal.
Then he saw Chi Chi pushing her way through the throng...and the thong too. Just as she reached the Captain, she fainted and fell on a jar of Vegemite! The jar...uh...disappeared into...um...somewhere.
Geez Ag how many times do I have to tell you:
"Stop storing the axle grease in the Vegemite Jars?"
now we can't grease the axle on "The Golden Ram" and we will be stuck on this f****n ship (so I can't spell alright , after all I am only a lowly ASS) to sale the WWW forever.
And I will never find my "one true love"!!!!!!!
Ag mumbles to himself, "one true love" , "one true love" that's all he ever goe's on about .
hairy A.S.S. Stop whingeing you Aussie kook. There are many maids (or not) on this ship. Speak to Mighty mom about the dinner seating arrangements and she could help you find your true love or at least a temporay relief from your sufferings!
Ag watcher mate then. and keep him away from Chi Chi or BP he might become addicted. Anna's free now (so to speak). There is also Spryte lurking on the crow's nest and Misty is hovering on the fringes somewhere. Let's also not forget Randy Behaviour.
Anna Marie Bowman is looking for Christophe perhaps she can be diverted.
I 've got it! By George! It is time for the Captain's dinner dance and general libacious, libertarian cruise launch dinner!
Come on me hearties lets party!
Hey sixtyorso are you the son of a gun who took all out sheep?
Temporay relief . I'm all for that , i'm all for a bit of Randy behaviour as well. So let the fun begin.
But wait, the Captain is to be found nowhere? is he not?
Ok, Mightymom to whom may I sit next to?
I just love finishing with propositions, especially to a beautiful lady pirot.
No Ag the Captain took the sheep. I just barbecued the buggers, nearly burning down the boat in the process. Chargrilled sheep?
"the boy stood on the burning deck......"
At that moment, the stranger Christoph comes onto the deck from below, carrying his mysterious package. He sets the package down on the table and carefully opens it. He removes from the package a case of ice cold Tooheys beer and sets it before the two Australians. He then takes out a full-set of T-Fal cookware and one Slap-'N-Chop and hands them to Sixty. To everyone's amazement he then begins singing and dancing a sort-of jig:
Cut yer name across me backbone
Stretch me skin across yer drum
Iron me up on Pinchgut Island
From now to Kingdom Come.
I'll eat yer Norfolk Dumpling
Like a juicy Spanish plum,
Even dance the Newgate Hornpipe
If ye'll only gimme Rum!
The stranger named Christoph then carefully closes his mysterious package, and disappears over the side of the ship, making a huge splash!
Did someone call my name? Surely you don't want mud wrestling on this ship?
Did you say mud????
Checked yer e-mail?
Mighty Mom ENTERS stage left from the bowels of the ship. "Here we go, Captain. I made 500 copies of each of your hubs. So far I've managed to round up 499 bottles. We'll take them down, pass 'em around, and stuff each one with a piece of parchment. It's a little game I call "stuff the bottle" -- nice little icebreaker when you have a group that doesn't know each other very intimately. (Although MM could tell from the looks of the crowd gathered on deck (or were they below deck? -- she kept getting confused) that intimacy was as much on the evening's menu as roast lamb and Vegemite.
Usually something of a control freak, MM felt uncomfortably out of her comfort zone. Borrowing a line from her favorite non-pirate travel story, she thought to herself, "My! People come and go so quickly here!!" It was true. There seemed to be a never-ending stream of dinner guests, rakes and scoundrels stopping by, donning puffy shirts, eating Vegemite, drinking rum, and abruptly plopping back into the sea. Sure enough, MM turned around just as a mysterious stranger carrying a mysterious package disappeared over the side of the ship. Suspiciously enough, he slipped in at the exact same spot where she'd pulled the babelicious Babbley out earlier that day. Or maybe it was yesterday (?). All she knew for sure was that much had transpired on the ship between then and now. She'd been holed up in the damned copy room for like -- 4eva! As loyal as she was, she sometimes wondered if the Captain took her just a wee bit for granted. When he'd asked her to duplicate his hub response 500 times on parchment paper, did he or did he not understand she'd have to do it by hand? Silly Captain. He was so smitten with love for Chi Chi he had little time (or let's face it, mental capacity) for practical concerns. For example, he was blissfully unaware that the Xerox machine would not be invented for another 150 years.
MM made a mental note to put in for overtime. Then she set off to find Sixty to see if he still needed help with the seating chart for dinner.
Reaching into Hairy ass's secret compartment. Ag pulls out 2 dozen Lamingtons and 7 Cream Coated with Strawberries on top "Pavlovas"
Here MM maybe these little titbits will replenish your energy because I have plans for you.(but first I must see what my friendly Hairy Ass is up to. (there you go another preposition)
Oh Ag! Am I ever glad to see you! Here, I'll help you take those down to the walk-in closet. Cream coted with strawberries on top Pavlovas are my fave! How nice of you to remember!
I've been occupied for several hours working on a project for Captain. Haven't had much time to interact with Hairy Ass as yet. What's his deal, anyway? He's been swaggering around here like some kind of crazed Aussie bushwacker. But hey, if you're willing to vouch for him, I'll give him a fair shake.
I must say, tho, his name is a bit ... revolting, don't you think? Where'd he get a moniker like that???
MM where would you like me to put this cream. Ag has to press up against MM to sqeeze through the door?
(did it suddenly get a bit warm in here).
Well my mate "hairy" got his name from a typo . We were at a class for sheep shearers. We had to tell the good lookin sheila on the desk our names. When hairy got up for his turn this girl got all hot and bothered for some reason ??? and made the typo.
Hes real name is "Harry" When the instructor read it out it came out as "Hairy" henceforth he has been known as "hairy ass"
(If you believe that. come into this cabin, I have some etchings I'd like to show you)
MM it seems that Ag is using hairyass as a stalking horse to get into your good graces. Beware his package! perhaps we should just slip over the side to cool off a bit. Perhaps Randybehaviour or JJrubio can take him in hand until the party begins. 8pm sharp! black tie compulsory, ballgowns for the ladies.
Let's get some dignity back into the proceedings for the Captains bon voyage Dinner dance.
MM ehat shall we do for cabaret. perhaps we can get BP to do the dance of the 500 sheets of parchment?
Ha Ha Ha very funny mr sexytorso, me Ag's talking horse (me hearing isn't all that good since a sheep kicked me in the earole.
Coo I wouldn't mind getting into some of these sheila's good graces.
And you leave my package alone, if that Randy or jj comes around they might have to beware, if you no wot I mean!!!
I'm not to sure if the black tie goes with me singlet but if I must I must.
Mate I'm all for dignity I'll even make sure Ag dresses up to match me own attire.
As the Captain became aware of his surroundings, he saw that he was once again on the deck of the ship, packed with a scurvy lot and many strange items about the ship. There were lamingtons with strawberries, cases of Toohey's beers as cold as ice bergs, a large stack of puffy-sleeved pirate shirts all the colors of the rainbow and sherbets, 500 copies of a bottle-mail message and almost as many bottles, 1 full-set of T Fal cookware plus a slap chop, one new employment contract from MM essentially doubling her pay which was just doubled last week, sheep peeking around every corner and through every porthole, swords, articles of clothing including underthings and several lambskin balloons lying limp on the deck.
But none of that mattered. The feast was obviously about to begin: Sixty had set the tables with the finest silk tablecloths from the West Indies, china from England, silverware from Italy, plastic cups from America and center pieces of shrunken heads from deep, dark Africa. A perfect time for the Captain's announcement.
"Gather round," the Captain barked, " all crew, scalawags, land lubbers, hawt pirate chicks, 1st mates, ship's cook, people who just show up every once and a while, sheep, and Chi Chi!" He explained to the crew that a mysterious stranger had come to see him below decks carrying a suspicious bundle, and had given the Captain instructions from Zeus.
"The instructions were these: Tonight is our final night in dock so this is our celebratory "Let's Go Sailing" dinner!" A cheer went up from the crowd. "Tomorrow," the Captain continued, " we set sale for the island of Adsense were we are to steal the Golden Fleece! We will face many dangers," the Captain said, ominously. "We will face the many-headed Hydra in the religion forums! We will face the Colossus Google! The Harpies will spring from Hydras teeth and flag our hubs!" A collective shudder went through the crowd. "The Cyclops HubPolice will attempt to thwart us at every turn! But we will prevail, by Zeus! And when we return with the Golden Fleece, we will be able to fleece our page visitors through clicks and relevant purchases from the bay of E and the Amazonians!" The motley crew began to cheer. The Captain raised his voice to be heard. "We...will...be...VICTORIOUS!" A massive roar went through the assembled. "Let's PARTY!!!!"
Wow, just in time. I knew I smelled a party-a-brewing. I brought my slapchop too. Woo Hoo Party time!
Did I miss all the fun? I brought my slap...hey! Who took my Slap-N-Chop, and replaced it with a RonCo Pocket Fisherman!? Oh, wait, that's not a bad trade. Now where's all these sheep I keep hearing about?
FINALLY, the long-awaited dinner was served. The entire scurvy lot sat down en masse. Sixty had really outdone himself this time. "Let's Go Sailing" dinners were his almost-favorite to prepare, second only to "Got the Golden Fleece" galas.
Due to the massive roaring of the crowd, some members of the scurvy lot didn't quite catch the Captain's rallying cry. In particular, Hairy Ass, whose hearing wasn't all that good anyway, ever since a sheep had kicked him in the aereola -- or was it the earole?
As the rest of the guests claimed their pre-assigned places at the table, Hairy Ass disappeared belowdecks to his cabin. He returned several minutes later clad in a Wonderbra, satin thong underwear, a garter belt and thigh-high stockings.
The ensemble, though unorthodox, looked decidedly fetching on him. Candlelight glinted from dining tables, casting Hairy in a rich, warm glow. Instead of hairy, he appeared downy and soft, like a giant ripe, peach-fuzzy peach -- a giant peach that happened to be in drag.
The crowd hooted and howled. They had been eagerly anticipating Chi Chi's Dance of the Seven Leather Chamoises. But this? No one knew quite what to make of it, but it sure did add to the pre-sailing festivities!
After several long seconds, the Captain addressed the lingerie-clad Aussie. "My dear Mr. Ass..." he bit down on his tongue to prevent himself from snickering, "This dinner is black tie compulsory for the gentlemen. Ballgowns for the ladies. You have taken some, how shall I say this, 'creative license' with our chef's instructions. Please explain yourself."
Hairy Ass turned every shade of red, from cherry to scarlet to candy cane to fire engine to vermillion. Fortuitously, he happened to be standing next to Mighty Mom. Despite the fact that he kept calling her "Sheila" he was beginning to make some inroads in infiltrating her good graces. He whispered something inaudible in her ear. Well, inaudible to the crowd, not to MM.
"It's really quite simple," explained Mighty Mom. "As you know, Mr. Ass here has a hearing impediment. When the Captain shouted 'We... will... be... VICTORIOUS' and the crown returned with , "Let's PARTY' what he heard was "We will wear Victoria's...and Panties."
"Assuming that his hearing impediment had caused him to miss some key words in the sentence he interpreted the Captain's orders as follows: "We will wear Victoria's Secret bras and panties."
"Well slap my ass and call me Sally! I never, ever, ever would have thought of that!" admitted the Captain. "But what about the garter belt and stockings?"
"Oh, he added those on his own. He wanted to make sure he looked his dignified best for the sailing party."
Hairy not wanting to take the limelight away from MM whips down stairs and dons he's Drizabone to cover up that beautiful Victoria Secrets bullet shaped bra. but seeing that he had just shaved his legs for this occasion he decided to leave the Drizabone a little agape to show his manly muscular legs.
He doe's this because he has just spotted this vision across the table and as the band is playing their favourite tune "Strangers in the Night" he wonders off towards this vision .
Alas his search for "his one true love" may have to wait 'one more night' ( getting right into this musical theme)
The Party is going swimmingly. The Captain is at his charming best, MM and hairyass make a fetching couple. MM has a lovely glow to her complexion looking like a cross between Virgin Mary and Madonna. And what a smile.
We are awaiting BP's arrival to do the scintillating dance of the 500 hundred sheets of parchment, but we are having some trouble removing them from the bottles. I think Chi Chi will top her with the dance of the 7 chamois. JJrubio has informed me that she has a special item she wants to perform for all after Chi Chi has danced. By golly this wench is brave or really has something to show us!
Randy behaviour is looking fetching in velvet blue jeans and a see thru silk blouse. G-Ma is dancing the scottish sword dance and has improvised the slap chop as a protective device. BT has arrived in a velvet frock coat. His fur is burnished and shiny. His Peg leg polished to a mahogany shine.
Rblue is swanning around in a well cut suit with a ruffled shirt open at the throat. The hub Police are inspecting the party from a distance and I supect some of them are sneaking into the hold to look at our cargo.
This is a gala night!. What a pity camera's haven't been invented yet and CR has slipped away with his package. Maybe CC writer can draw pictures of the event for posterity?
Spryte has descended from the crow's nest in an ethereal ballgown made of spider's silk spun for the fairies with tiny diamante sparkling on the dress and in her hair. She is a breathtaking (Shadesbreath) sight.
hey, sexytorso you would make a great announcer on the Red Carpet.
spryte sure is a sight to behold . But someone should talk to her about the Hobnail boots.
Chi Chi rushed top side at the sound of the Captain barking out an impressive speech which made her bosom heave like the high sea in the wake of an impending hurricane. There he stood in all his magnificence...tight pants threatening to explode from his virile muscles, pirate shirt already ripping at the seams, and his mane flowing out with a flurry in the cool sea breeze.
Suddenly a vision caught her eye...a muscular man dressed in a Wonderbra, satin thong underwear, a garter belt and thigh-high stockings who spoke with an odd accent and called all the women "Sheila." Chi Chi, of course, didn't mind being called Sheila, she was very used to men calling her all kinds of names. Her own father called her Number 13.
Speaking of her father, while this man was clearly too young to BE her father, he looked very much like her long lost daddy while dressed in this sexy outfit. She couldn't help but wonder where he was stashing those clippers he shears the sheep with, although it certainly looked like he was stashing something in that thong of his.
Rushing to his side she said, "Jou weel donce zee donce tonight!"
The vaguely familiar stranger pulled himself over the railing and landed on the weathered deck, sea water dripping from him in buckets. He did not have his mysterious package. He addressed the assemblage: "Got an announcement! Got an announcement!" All heads turned to see the sponge-like kinda familiar stranger. "The Captain regrets that he is unavoidably detained from the celebration. He was changing his secret pirate code last night and apparently made a typo - whatever that is - and now he is not being allowed access to his own ship. He has, however, contacted the authorities at Pirate Code headquarters and hopes to have the matter resolved shortly. He regrets this inconvenience and asks that you continue your celebration until his return. Please don't put your cigarettes out on the deck. Thank you."
The starting-to-look-familiar stranger noticed the motley but sexy crew partying hardy on the deck. In particular, the super-hawt pirate chicks in their sexy pirate garb - except one chick who was dressed in stockings and silk panties and spoke with a "down under" accent - and an idea hit him like a dead lookout falling from a yard arm. 'It just might work,' he thought, and a small smile formed on his water-logged lips. He then nimbly hopped up to the railing and did a swan dive, so beautiful in its form, so perfect in technique, that no splash was left behind. 10 people on the deck held up signs that read: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 9, 10, 10. Everyone turned to glare at the Chinese judge who held up the 9.
Chi- Chi my love it is I that is holding the "Silver Shears" getting them ready for Hairy's next brazilian session. He is just pleased to see you, with those heaving bosoms etc etc.....
Hey everyone do I look chinese.?
Crikey, did some one mention "chinese" put my down for sweet and sour and a bowl of special fried rice.
Chi Chi I'll get back to you on the brazilian.
oh where oh where could that secret pirate code be.
oh where oh where could that secret pirate code be.
I know, its in Davey Jones's Locker!
(((((((SNORE))))))) ((((((( BURP)))))) Where is that bloody chinese ?
I've been hearing rumors of a feast. You didn't happen to have any strawberries, did you? I've been looking everywhere for my damned strawberries!
Sorry if I forgot to introduce myself. Name's Queeg. I just got back from sea, and I'm hiding out in the loft over a friend's garage. I tried the basement, but it reeked of jackalope.
now you is wat i wood call a reel captain "Captain Queer" Sir.
Tell me reel captain do you still play with your balls ?
You better believe he does! I can hear 'em clacking at all hours of the dang night! It's hard as hell getting any sleep since that guy moved in! Always walkin' around clacking his balls, and mumbling something about missing strawberries. It's enough to make a guy nuts.
Somebody stole the damn strawberries. All leaves are cancelled until the strawberries are returned. And while you're at it, leave some kiwi too.
Oh yeah, almost forgot. The Captain (the actual one) is still delayed. Seems that Maddie Rudder didn't give him the answer he was seeking, so he has re-submitted his inquiry, which now will probably take a couple of more days. And when he gets back there had better be some strawberries...and Lauren Bacall.
Here, a whole case of strawberries for ya, Christoph! Now, can we get back to laughing? :-))
Blonde Poet sat exhausted upon the top decks her skirts sprawling upon the soaked floor boards. She had just spent the last few hours playing "Catch Me If You Can" with the keyboard salesman.......(what a over-sexed specimen he was) not that BP had any objections..
Suddenly,she nearly choked upon a chocolate covered strawberry....Johnny Depp was strolling past...and there were numerous pirates she had never seen.....men with books, loud speakers...cue cards.....oh and here right now in front of her was the legendary Orlando Bloom.....oh she could feel her familiar fainting spell coming on..oh with the pleasure of it all...She pretended to cough, while she hoisted one side of her skirt a little higher to expose a little of her thigh...while letting a little more of her ample bosom peek from her peasant lace bodice..
"This don't look right", she heard one of the producers comment.
Oh dear it suddenly occurred to her what was going on here.
"Err boys", she began while fluttering her dark lashes..."I think you have the wrong ship, this is a real pirate's ship".
Suddenly, with a blur from the starboard side, the Captain came swinging onto the ship whilst hanging onto a rope, a flat of strawberries under each arm and all the ingredients for a daiquiri stuffed into his pants. It wasn't clear where the rope was attached, but what was clear was the Captain looked fabulous. He wore a lemon-grass colored, puffy-sleeved pirate shirt, new and wrinkle-free made from the new fabric called wash-n-wear made by pygmies in New Guinea. He landed lightly on the deck where he grabbed Blondepoet and planted a big wet one right on her lips. She let out an expressive "ooooooooooooo," and then fainted. The Captain grabbed Laughing Mom and frenched her. She laughed and then fainted. He grabbed Johnny Depp by the seat of his pants who fainted just before the Captain threw him overboard into the mighty Carribean. He drew his long sword and challenged hairy A.S.S. and the fake Real Captain, who both fainted simultaneously and fell into each other's puny arms, puny compared to the Captains which strained agains the fabric of his wash-n-wear shirt and extra tight pirate pants. His pants were so tight, in fact, that he fainted. One of those fainting goats came out from the quarters and fainted.
Crikey he do go on don't he? Too much sugar today?
btw back up the god damn truck there a minute, in Yankyland how many strawberries are there in a flat?
n i ain't havin none of that dakary thing you got tucked in your pants.
I'm angling for an Academy award here.
Well, I think the fainting goat was nominated.
Yeah. He's a tough act to follow. You know what they say: Never work with kids or animals.
Or laughing moms. 'night.
Night, Betty Sue.
After feigning a faint, The Real Captain slides over to the bulkhead. Pulling himself to his feet, he looks around and sees the other Captain, apparently lying under an unconscious goat. He thinks about administering a kick, but decides to take the higher ground. He instead grabs the strawberries and disappears over the rail, laughuing maniacally. Fortunately for The Captain, he left the daiquiri fixins right where they were, since The Captain had obviously placed them there for cosmetic reasons.
Boy oh boy thought BP, my fainting spells are definitely catching on, must have something to do with a small vial of "Make Em Fall Like Flies", a potion she had stolen from the Keyboard Salesman trousers after he lost them in a game of Poker.
In fact BP had been collecting many an item from numerous trousers, from the hundreds of games of Poker she had been playing, to pass time, while awaiting the Captain's attentions.
She had collected a years supply of Viagra coupons from the pocket of Hairy A.s.s, glow in the dark rubbers from Sixtyorso, a flagon of nice tasting liquid from The Real Captain, ohh the list was endless.
She wandered down below the deck,heading for the infamous Poker Room, as she knew it was only minutes away from tonight's game. There was a distinct smile spreading on her face,....indeed...BP had big plans for this starry starry night
With all the fainting going on, Cindyvine knew that nobody would notice her coming aboard clutching her gigantic sausage...
The Captain awoke from his fainting and immediately noticed the flats of strawberries were missing. He hoped that whoever pilfered them new they were "joke" strawberries, and were in fact a powerful laxative developed by Evil Dr. Knowles, used to give newbies a warm welcome to the religion forum.
He saw all the fainted bodies on the deck. Clearly, someone had poured a small vial of "Make Em Fall Like Flies" in the barrel of rum. But where was BlondePoet? He must find her. That bulge in his pants wasn't just the Daquiri fixin's stuffed in his pants!
But then he smelled something. Something....tasty?....spicy?....delicious?....it was....Sausage! The smell of a rather large sausage. But from whence did it come?
The Captain and Cindy. Now I've got my hands (and the Captain's) full. Cindy has her hands full of sausage. I need BP urgently. The captain's gonna need some of them extra large glow in the dark's that BP got her hands onto. I have not even had a chance to talk to Mighty Mom about Johnny Depp and the film crew that we are taking aboard (er have taken aboard). Captain Queeg is a disruptive influence of note. His constant demands on the galley are legend. Daquiri's, Strawberries, carved elephant's in the corner. You name it he wants it!
Order order that's what we need.
Ok Sixtorso it's your shuffle. Oh wait one minute....oh dear... cough..cough...I do declare......I..cough...am choking on a strawberry.....cough. BP with her head bent low into her skirt....quickly pulls out a few winning cards...from her secret stash.....ohhhh my.... I seem to be all better now......how about that......Ok who is in ????? Place your bets.........ooooooooo
The Captain watched the poker game. BlondePoet began coughing and when she bent low, The Captain could see down her dress, not that he hadn't seen down there before. And then he saw her come up with some cards she had secreted in her panties. He remained silent...for now.
Geez mate you remain silent thatll be the day. You do go on "flair howing in the wind" and theres's "sluffy-peeved pirate shirt's"
And youse jest bedda watch out mate, youse jest donno were BP has got that laser super wepon of ers secreted. Mate it could be anywheres !
Watch yer trap ya scurvy upside down Aussie desert dog! You scabies ridden, tallywacker playin' vermin. Your venomous tongue...hey...now I know where I saw you before! It was here...here on this ship you sheep fornicatin' misplaced limey bean! (..and...cut! The make-up lady comes in and powders the Captains face.)
Blondepoet and The Captain were faring exceedingly well in the game. Why, they had only removed but one item, and there was Sixtyorso in his orange Y-fronts, looking rather defeated. Blonde very cautiously, while pretending to have an epileptic fit, secured her painted toes, in the waist of Sixtys trousers...."Oh sixty look at that little shooting star up there". While he was distracted she executed a half leg flick, the trousers in question landing in the Captains hands.
"Quick", she whispered to the Captain, "grab those MacDonald vouchers, I want a whopper for supper." Sixty was now looking suspiciously at the pair, not yet realising the Captain was hiding his trousers underneath his chiseled buttocks."What's going on where is my"... he began to mutter.
BP stood up quickly, "Lights, cameras, music", she shrieked. I proudly present for you Sixty, the magical belly dance of the Hatabatta Islands. She whispered quickly to the Captain,"See you in a hour,same place"...........She quickly did a double speed Cha Cha to the Eastward direction,diverting Sixty's eyes from the crime scene, to enable the Captain time to grab the goods. Sixty beginning to salivate at the corners of his mouth, as BP shook her DD bosoms, suddenly muttered "I didn't know The Mexican Hat Dance was a belly dance BP".
Oh damn.... She realised then it was the wrong song.Oh there could be no distractions at this critical stage. Continuing to bump and grind she purred "Did you not know that Mexicans were belly dancers, before they were corrupted by all that chili."
"Watch yer trap ya scurvy upside down Aussie desert dog! You scabies ridden, tallywacker playin' vermin. Your venomous tongue...hey...now I know where I saw you before! It was here...here on this ship you sheep fornicatin' misplaced limey bean! " (after the captain has had his pocked marked and wiskey reddened face remasked for the cameras)
*and action*.
Riposte from hairy. " who youse calling a limey bean you er, er, er , Yanky excuse for Ret Butler" ?
Gawd that there BlondePoet sure can turn heads can't she. Cor.
Aye...She's as hot as a burnin' frigate packed with gunpowder...Kablooie!
The Mexican Hat Dance was still going strong from the deck above. If you were wondering who was playing the music, it was indeed The keyboard salesman tapping the tune on all of his keyboards, you have to improvise when things get rough.
The Captain was sitting at the old teak dinner table with an old poverty stricken deckhand walking past who just happened to be wearing Sixty's trousers. Meanwhile above Sixty was streaking around the upper deck covering his vitals with a sign that read, "No Exit."
BP's face broke into a smile as she caught a glimpse of the Captain awaiting her majestical presence.
Her hips were cramped from all that hip grinding she had performed for Sixty. He had demanded three encores, he could be quite demanding at times.
"Oh Captain", she cooed, as she plonked herself in his awaiting lap, "Show me what you have I am exhausted."
So it looks like this young colt christoph is doing understudy duties today. Never mind I say onwards and upwards, especially after that :
Kablooie! (I had to copy and paste that one)
BP you sure do spend a lot of time exhausted, can I interest you in a all expenses paid week at a health farm, I think you might be due for a grease and oil change. Waddaya wreckon ?
The Captain was sitting in his comfy chair in his cabin, exhausted. Everyone was exhausted. There was something going around. Probably a bug BP had picked up on the Isle of Man and gave to the crew. He thought of Chi Chi. Where was she? He had not seen her in so very long. He hoped nothing had happened to her. If anyone damaged one hair on her head he would hunt them down to the ends of the earth! Just then, Blondepoet plunked herself down on his lap. Oh, well, one more time. What's a little exhaustion?
Although exhausted, BP, once again performed the Cha Cha, although this time for the captain himself. Funny how exhaustion disappears when the situation arises.After her ooooo's had all but diminished in the heat of the evening she turned to the Captain and assured him:
"Don't worry Captain Chi Chi is safe and sound. Did you not know she was offered a deal to act as an extra with that Pirates of Carribean film crew that passed by". She is saving to buy herself some implants for Xmas."
Did someone say free holiday, BP's hearing was indeed sharp when needed.
"Hairy A.S.S, oh my what an offer, I couldn't possibly, but I will. Ohhhh." BP had not received such a generous offer for such a llong time and indeed she had indeed over exerted herself lately. Mmmm,after all it was only a week away from the ship.
"I say there Hairy, I will need some extra for spending money of course and will there be somewhere there to plug in my blow-dryer.?"
Strewth have I got somewhere for your blow-dryer. Er.......no.
The ealth farm is as ewe mite say "ohhhh naturali" no blowing of any diskripshun alowed. You must come back fully refreshed,so that the capitan can take more advantages of ewes.
"Ok Hairy I I will settle for the no-blow look. My bags are packed. Let's hit it."
I just re-read the original content of this hub.
It's really, really, really good.
And I just gave Shadesbreath the link to this hub. So hopefully the master of the absurd will pay a visit :-)
Oh bugger. I forgot that I'd been killed off in this hub!
The Captain watched BlondPoet dance the Cha Cha. Now that's entertainment. She informed the Captain of Chi Chi's whereabouts, so it was Cha Cha, Chi Chi, BP, Wee nie, and other nefarious thoughts ravaged the Captains quick but exhausted mind.
And then BP told him of her plans to take her Cha Cha on the road - or the sea - as the case may be, with the shady character of Hairy A.S.S., known for being difficult to understand, cross dressing, sheep loving, Australian Peanut Butter eatin' dude. "Don't go B.P.," said the Captain, "for the A.S.S. man does not speak the truth. They aren't making any more Pirates of the Caribbean movies! Johnny Depp had a three-picture deal...and they've already made three. They can't be making another. It's a trap, B.P., designed to get you air drying on a deserted Island somewhere that's not on the map. The scallywag lies! Why I'll run my rapier through his obdula oblongata!
And then he watched B.P.as she went skipping off toward the deck, singing, "Row, row, row, your boat, bently cross the...." and then her voice faded out.
Eric: Hey! Good to see you. Thanks for that compliment. Are you sure you've been killed off? All three of you? I'm not so sure. Thanks for coming by.
Hey if it's good enough for "days of our lives". Eric's twin brother who has stolen Eric's identity so that he can take all of his worldly..blah blah blah. Ok that's Eric back in the er.....story. (this is a story isn't it)
Now I'm off to find protection for Hairy's 'obdula oblongata'.
No No guys. See one of my earlier posts. Eric is not dead he was hallucinating after eating the South American vines. So he was merely unconscious and Cindy could not tell the difference between Eric's bowels and her large sausages. I too have been MIA as I was in search of my trousers flicked off by the wily toenails of BP. After the feast here were so many left overs (and food too) that I have not had the need to cook. But could have, if required, filled the role of the naked chef!
Oh Sixty!
I found you on the other hub, and am now here to claim you for my own. I'm using my real image - after you said the magic words "OMG" on that other hub.
I have no need of that other image that I normally use. Let us be soulmates forever dearest Sixtyorso. We'll go plundering the Spanish Main together, forever my love!
Here, let me flick your trousers off again!
OMG!
worth a double post OMG!again!
Oh Sixty, my little lambikins.
Your OMG's are driving me wild with desire. I can't handle two in a row.
Prepare yourself. I'm coming for you!
Omg who is this impersonating me as blondpoet hahaha. Is that you Eric G I am going to kill the culprit with my bare hands.
@blondepoet:
I'm really hurt to think that you could accuse me of that. After all we've been through together. Now come on admit it - you have a split personality, and it's the other one.
Suddenly there could be heard a lovely woman's voice singing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts". The voice was getting closer and closer......coming from the perils of the deep blue sea. There was BP holding onto a beer barrel drifting towards the Captain's ship.
"Captain, Captain I could not leave you, I heard you say Johnny Depp. Just then a mermaid surfaced in the water before her. The dive was long enough to see that the sea urchin was indeed wearing Sixty's trousers.
"Throw over a round thingy jig someone hurry or alas these ravenous sharks will eat me..........HURRRRRRRYYYY UPPPP".
Suddenly a man's voice boomed from the horizon, as there was Hairy doing free-style a hundred miles an hour towards BP. "Come on back yer wench with me vegemite jar".
EG you are guilty as a bag of Hungry Jacks french fries to a pound of salt LMAO
@blondepoet:
to paraphrase Kamahl: "why are people so unkind"
Can you give me a ride back to the pirate ship on your jetski?
As a matter of fact it was not a beer barrel BP was riding it was in fact a jet-ski. As she approached the ship further, there floating in the water was a man. He appeared to be unconscious. BP slammed on the brakes. She leant over to grab this poor man and in doing so fell head first into the water.
There floating there before her, head down was EG. She flipped him over and quickly gave him the kiss of life. Was that one eye opening and quickly closing she saw as she applied her nursing skills she had learnt from Dr Benson. Not possible she thought, as she kept up her CPR, this man is not breathing.
Suddenly he spluttered, as a tadpole expelled from his mouth.
"Oh thank God", she muttered, as she hauled him on the back of her jet ski.
With an increasing urgency, she gunned the vehicle into full throttle and sped towards the ship.
The Captain opened his eyes and saw the most hideous sight: It was BP, only she was - he cold barely say it - ugly! He must be dreaming, or in this case...nightmaring! He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head vigorously. Ahh, the apparition of evil was gone. He heard BP scream from the water, and turning toward the voice and walking toward the rail, he saw BP yelling something about "you little thingy...throw your little thingy!"
She paused on her jet ski and removed from the water what looked to be a corpse, and then continued towards the shep, vroom vrooming towards the ship. He held his little thingy and prepared to throw it at BP when she arrived at the ship.
raising himself on one bronze tanned arm from his beautiful Jason lambswool doona ( product placement please send commission to hubpages to be shared by all cast members) Hairy ass scratching his hairy a.... spies this vision of beauty glowing like the mouldy green pizza he threw out the other day. Hairy ass exclaims loudly:
"Strewth blondpoet. what a grouse looking sheila ewes are. ewes is a vizion ewes mite jest be my ****one true love***** waddiya wrekon, ewesnI grab a snort and go shear sum sheep or sumpin ?"
OMG Hairyass and which Blonde poet? The later on a Jetski the former floating along with her built in Mae wests. Alter egos popping up like nine pins who will be next!
EG is it true about your small thingy. We have an enlarging process which involves keelhauling but needs the Captain's sanction.
Come on guys, this game of Texas strip hold 'em is far from over I still got my Y-fonts over a g-string over another g-string so let's play on. En-guard BP's and Captain.
PS as a back up I have on a couple of them glow in the darks.
Sixty who is this PS you keep referring to ? and I am not interested in Blonde poet she is way two skinny. I like me sheila's with some meat, I want blondpoet c/w Mae Wests. Now deflate her and package her and I will send Ag around to pick er up .
G'Day Hairy,
Blond Poet's gone to Africa in search of Sixty, and is not expected back any time soon. She's left a note on her profile.
Apparently there's also the issue of getting confused with Blonde Poet or something. Can't understand that at all - I can certainly tell the difference between them.
One is clearly 4 B.S.H. and the other is more like 10 B.S.H.Nothing confusing there!
And Sixty:
The little thingy I was holding was BP's bikini top, which accidentally fell off when we were powering through a heavy wave.
(Lucky she had a T-Shirt on underneath. Strange that!)
EG She was using a T-shirt under the bra as a stratagem for losing hands in the Texas holdem Strip poker tournament. She is obviously taking the holdem part seriously.
Perhaps the mystery of the small thingy has been resolved?
Ladies care to comment?
PS I am studiously avoiding Quantas flights into Africa and have tipped off Shane Warne by SMS, hoping he will meet her at the airport. Perhaps between us we can deflate the Mae Wests. Liposuction the lips and package her off to Hairyass via AG.
@ Hairyass
PS is an important person who pops up at the bottom of a lot of comments.
I would not call that a small thingy,BP lamented as she used it to hurl herself out of the perilous sea. That is definetely a jumungus one if I have ever seen it. Oh my. Never knew you had a .....walking cane...oh indeed. Here give us a kiss honey bun as she planted a wet one on the Captain's lovely lips."I could not go without you."
"Who has my bikini top, what is this nonsense about I had a t-shirt beneath my bikini, don't you know one wears a shirt over the top.
So captain please excuse my coconut braissiere,I know it is a little nutty of me alas..."I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts duh dee daaa"
So here I am once again,thank God that big BP is on her way to Africa. What is this 4 B.S.H jargon. Does that stand for bullsh..t.
Oh I do declare Sixty is ready to lose his trousers again,BP yells out at the top of her voice "All hands on the poker table."
@BP: About B.S.H?
I'm not sure if I should tell you, as it is "secret mens business".
But At great personal risk, here goes:
I'm sure you have heard about B.S.W. which stands for British Standard Whitworth. It's a measurement of thread size for nuts and bolts.
B.S.H. is British Standard Handfuls - It's a measurement of Breast size.
And I reckon you're about 4, and Blondpoet is about 10.
Haha oh I understand it all know EG, just needed that interpretation. I am gathering players for the Galah Games night about to start shortly on this fine ship. I don't know where that Sixty has gone to. Probably in the arms of the other BP by now having a big smooch. If you are in, head down to the Seedy Bar,in half hour,there are some big stakes tonight.
No No I have been preparing (I mean checking) the cards, making sure we have enough chips (poker and potatoe) as well as various drinks. I am going to suggest to the captain that we ensure that only legimate garments and undergarments are worn. There will be an inspection BP! Er Captain I don't need to be inspected.
@BP In the arms of OMG indeed! How could you be so cruel! When you know you are heart's desire (begging your pardon captain!)
BTW BP I want my trousers back, they are my best pair of breeches.
So preparations are now truly under way for the grand poker tournament. Captain Queeg wants to change the stakes. He says once the Captain is naked, he can stay in the game if he is prepared to wager the vessel! He seems very confident and says he has plenty to wager before he has to shed garments. He says he has a large sea chest filled with booty! But whose booty is that?
PS hairy and AG are you aboard?
Oh alack and alas I have indeed found Sixty, I am so relieved to know you are not cheating on me with that.....other woman. I do believe, well let us say there is a rumour circulating that the other BP has met Vin-dan-doo, warrior chief of Ding-a-ling native tribe, and I have heard she is taking rain dancing lessons. She failed at vodoo doll manipulations as she was doing things to the dolls, that was against the tribe's practices.
Yes I have fastened up my suspenders, fixed my wee wedgie and donned my corset, I am ready to play. Oh Sixty chief organiser of Galah games I am ready for your call for the rolling to begin.
Where art thou Captain, are you busy putting your elephant edible undies on. ?
Perhaps all the participants have shuffled of he ship to play the hub challenge? comments are spares around hubpages these days!
The Captain had just finished putting his elephant edible undies on. You never knew what would happen in a poker game organized by Sixty, but it was sure to be strange, and just in case worse came to worst, he would ask BP to remove his final garment by eating them off.
Little did they realize though, that the Captain was a poker champion. He poked her here and he poked her there. He also studied in Monte Carlo while anchored on the French Riviera.
Read this over breakfast - choked with laughter on my croissant - looing forward to next instalment.
Who are you reaaly ...
Arrrrgh. Per-aps I'll give ya a clue.....would you like that, Iphie?
Hm I wonder if Miss Iphie would like some of that mouth to mouth treatment. Waddiya think old Captain. After all, you are in charge ?
Heave ho me hearties where have all the crew gone? I think this is not the Bounty but the bloody Marie Celeste! Come back all is forgiven if it needs foregiveness that is. I can't wait for BP to eat your shorts!
sup captain i'm lumberjack
hairy A.S.S.: I think Iphie would like the mouth-to-mouth treatment. I also hear she's fond of the "mouth-to-elsewhere" treatment.
Sixty: Why they're all off doing the Pirates "100 acts of piracy in 30 days" challenge. I hear some of them are getting burned out and others still are not doing their normal fine jobs of raping and pillaging.
lumberjack: You're OK. Nice to meet you. Are you new in these waters?
Ye, your story changed my life I think.
Well sexytorso and my charming capitan it looks like we have a hiatus on our hands. I will not be pulled into this eddy of a hubchallange.
I feel that Hubpages is going round in ever decreasing circles and if it is not careful will disappear up it's own dungfunnel.
hmm who is this mysterious character, lumberjack. I wonder if he is related to that great Aussie. "f...youjack" ?
Now I must go and talk to Iphie and find out where this "elsewhere" place is ,of which you speak ?
@ Hairy.Actually iphie is on hallowed turf or is that the holy grail aarrh blow me down! Shiver me timbers can we not blow some life into this great hub (er I mean Pirate ship).
At least one or two of us are lurking about. I think Sprite is hiding inthe crow's nest and I think the Shades man is urgently needed at the hub. Blondie, Cindy to arms girls we need you womanly charms back on board!
ARRR ... me mate @sexytorso it looks like we are like the old shag on a rock? Hmmmm.. come to think of it I've never seen a shag on a rock wouldn't image it to be all that comfortable ?
lumberjack: Aye. Nothing like a day as a pirate to change yer life.
Mates: Yer right. Queen Isabella caught all the crew and their being held prisoner on a Spanish galleon. I here there being tortured by being forced to write 100 ships logs in 30 days, so we may be without the others for a month.
There's a strong wind comin' in, but it's comin from all directions so I don't know if we can set sail or not.
I will try and bail you out of the writers Prison at Tyndale docks. I don't want to get caaught up writing 30 or 100 ships logs in is about 18 days left?
Captain, I was stranded on an island with that JJ, but I got away before she fully devoured me. I think with some good rest, I will be ready for some new adventure. My arms and legs are worn out from the swim but not as sore as my manhood, as it was overworked until it nearly fell off.
And I too are back....wooo hooo ahoy there....you would not believe what happened to me Captain. I have just been released from that hillbilly off-shore 5 room straw hut hospital. The last thing I remember is going to the ladies, after eating the last piece of your edible undies, then bang...fell to the ground.....woke up in a dimly lit room...with zulu witch-doctors....luckily I still had the last remains of the jocks in my mouth...so they did a few tests....and then...I realised the worse of my fears....it was arson laced...oh captain, I do declare this was attempted murder....there is a murderer at loose on this ship......
Whhoo Whoo Its seems that the shipmates return perhaps we can have our grand poker tournament after all!
Yahoooooooooo here that you darling little captain you, Sixty,GT and I are ready for action. We may presume it is no longer is safe to wear anything edible of any sort.
Candy pants?
Anna has found the ship a rather lonely place as of late. She wanders around. Not interesting in poker, no matter how naked the dear Captain gets, she remembers sixty saying something about some leftovers. She missed the feast, and all the dancing, and she's a tad bit hungry. Maybe after The Captain has finished with his game of poke her here and poke her there, he will be up for some company.
Hi Anna Marie anything for a redhead. One plate of extra special leftovers coming up. Cold lobster, Dry Rose made from the cabernet grape and some fresh tomato, lettuce, cucumber and avo with a balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing. Enjoy!
You could end up with some "private dancing" on the bridge of this deserted ship.
Well, Hi me hardy's! Glad to see the crew straggling in. Thar's plenty of leftovers and fun and adventures to be had. Sorry to hear about your sore wanker, GT. You might want to keep it hidden for a few days. And BP...always more than a pleasure. Glad yah were spared in the despicable poison attempt. I'll skin 'em alive when I get me hands on 'em! Well, if it taint Anna Marie Bowman, the siren of the sea! How are yah? Ah, helpin' yourself to sixty's fine cuisine of the sea! Good work, Sixty. How're the stores holdin' up?
Stores are pretty good Cap'n what with the Marie Celeste syndrome (no one about) we have had not much eating, drinking or carousing going on. Hiding in corners on land, typing log books franticaly no doubt.
Ok party time. Woo hooo I can hear the song "The Chicken Dance." Now grab your partners......Cluck cluck...."Oh Captain you are looking more like a rooster, shaking that cute ass of yours." .....Oh and there is Sixty clucking like a duck...."Woo hoo Sixty." ...."Eric you not supposed to sit there and pluck your feathers."....."GT how is the 'ole doodle going, get your doodle and doodle your way up here."..."Anna I know you don't like poker so get your wee little posterior up here and cluck away with me.".............."Let's get up on this table and show em what they could not do in Coyote Ugly." Yahoooooooo
Oh...the Chicken Dance! I love the chicken dance!
Finally! A dance I can do!
Oh sorry, just here to drop off the catering. Extra sticky buns as you requested, Captain.
Helloooooo? Anybody hooooommmmme? Ahoooooooyyy? A ghost ship? I think I'll mosey down to the hold and see what kind of treasure is stored there. I'll be rich! Rich, I say!
Aaaarrrggghhhh
The crew has all come to Tasmania to celebrate Errol Flynn's 100th Birthday today.
And they've made a hell of a mess in the chook shed where I've been giving them cheap accommodation.
Go on over to http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/16058
and pay yer respects, yer scurvy dogs.
Okie doke where are you Captain? I am going to stand my ground. I do not trust those succulent tasting jocks of yours any longer,after being poisoned last time. I just been shopping and got you a pair from the great store "Eat Your Peters", we need to have a fitting....
Oh dear here we go again. Next thing Chi Chi will be here ready to defend her territory so to speak. Cap'n with respect Sir, can we stick to the agreed game plan and keep the gals in seperate cabins. The ones with the interleading doors on thr for'ard deck and play the french parlour roulette, keeping the gals ignorant of one another. I can keep tabs and feed one while you give your undivided attention to the other and so on and so. That way we can keep everyone happy and the ship full of happy souls?
@Blondie "eat your shorts" takes on a hole (misspelling intentional) new meaning?
Thank you Mr. Graudins. Tis a fine tribute to a fine actor.
Blondepoet: I am ready for my fitting. Meet me in the Captain's champers!
Sixty: Brilliant! We shall do it exactly as you have said. Just make sure I have access to each cabin. Well done, Bloke!
Oh it is a bout time we got down and had a bit of raunchy fun. Okie doke got me tape measure here.....drop your dacks Captain......."Oh my if you were a steak you would be well done." "Oh myyyyyy."(BP thinks hard, she must utilise this time on the ship while Chi Chi is away).
As she shuts the door behind her with the back of her heel, she asks the captain, "Did I hear Sixty mention the word access, ......". "What is he plotting behind my back?"
Ahem, cough cough. Just leaving, carry on with your measuring BP. You obviously didn't see me here being inobtrusive. Errol is looking exceedingly handsome this day isn't he. I'll let you get on with it. Just be careful with those gems.
Jewels into Cabin no2 madam. The captain will be in shorly (shorty? In shorts?) oh hell I don't know what I am saying. If it gets too hectic we wil have lobster, prawn and crab banquet on the upper deck as the night is balmy (or barmy).
(The Captain's voice heard from within his cabin:) Must you measure it again, BP? That's what...20 times now? Ok...here comes number 21!
AHOY!
Anyone on board?
Hmmm. Deserted.
Except for a body in the Captain's quarters which had a huge rigor mortis smile from ear to ear. Perhaps a victim of BP's ministrations.
I can still hear the echoes of the many fun times that were had here, and fondly remember the flames, jousts, and witty repartee that flowed like good wine among the good natured crew.
Anyone still around? This looks like a pretty good refuge from the muck that's flowing knee deep in the forums.
I think I'll claim this ship, and set sail for Tasmania.
Should get there by New Year's eve, just in time for the fireworks display on the waterfront.
OK, well it's taken me a while to get this ship set up for single handed sailing.
Getting self furling sails for a brigantine isn't easy, and the self steering gear needs a bit of fine tuning.
Anyway, I'm headed south towards the roaring forties, then loop down around the bottom of africa and head for good old Oz.
Don't bump in to the mainland! There are things there that Tasmanians should never see. :)
Yes I know.
You. :)
Ahoy, Maties! The Captain is re-cooperating from surgery at his hideout in Jamaica! Arrrrrrghgghh! We DID have a time didn't we? The ship will not go down. We shall once again ride the seas battling Poseiden, Cyclops', seven-headed Hydras, giant birds, and fighting skeletons! And there will be wine and women!
G'day Captain, I hope you have recovered from your surgery.
This old hairy a.s.s. is going on a journey of discovery? (I have sheep to sheer and deserts to cross !!), and is retiring from hubpages. (although if he asks me nicely I may make the occasional guest appearance on Ag's Hubs)
So its farewell from me my Captain, I must say it has been a pleasure and may the wind be always in your sails ;-(
You're deserting your mate, Ag? Where you off to, Hairy? You'll be sorely missed when this old girl finally sails again!
Arrrrgh! It shur be mighty lonely on this old tub!
Aye, 'tis another pirates tale! As sure as the the flag that waves on me ship, you've captured me interest. The wind in the furls are strong, ye be better movin' along but not before another story!
Arrrrrgh! Whats that ye say, lassie? The Captain'll be setting sail as soon as I fix me yard arrrrrrmmmm! Say, lassie, why don't you climb up there and fix it fer me? Why, Yer the kind of lassie a fella like to put an a pedestal....so he can look up yer petticoat...Aaaarrrrggghhh!
Oh my g...
I can't believe this! I can't stop laughing, and I wish I had time to read all these comments. How come you never finished this story??? I want to know if B B shaves the Chi Chi, and if Capitan ever gets the parrot crap off his coat! Come on!
I don't know why I never wrote any more of this. Maybe I will, I don't know. Hey, thanks for reading it. It was a very fun time with the way everyone participated in it...sort of, in the comments.
Aye, Capt'n, yer the type to look up me petticoats! 'tis a shame I'm not wearing any!
Aha! Even better, my Lassie!
Hope the recovery is going well Captain.
I'm missing the old shipmates.
Swing down into old hobart town if yer thinkin of putting the old crew back together!
Talk like a pirate day one time a year ain't enough.
AAArrrrr.
Oh Captain, my Captain, I miss thee.
Cris A Level 2 Commenter 3 years ago
This has the makings of a great read that would rival all the Fabio-covered romance novels in second-hand bookstores and Ebay!
Yes, yes, I await the unfolding of this swashbuckling and steamy love tale set in the high seas! :D